Moments Close to Christ

Every couple of weeks I get together with 3 other women to have our Cursillo Reunion Group meeting. We are a close bunch and I love all of them for their strengths and and their differences. But mostly I love them for the way they love me. This is my first ever women's group and I wonder how I ever grew up without one.

When we do a reunion we share our spiritual lives according to a formula. We remember the things we do to worship God. We discuss books we are reading and how they help us learn to be closer to God. Sometimes we are studying something other than printed words. I study people and the way we all interact a lot. We mention and pray about people and what we hope to be able to do as God's representatives on earth. And we talk about when we've felt closest to Christ.

Friday was our reunion meeting. I brought my guitar and played a song. We talked about loss, which tied into the last session where we first discussed it. Then we went through our sharing ritual. We open with prayer holding hands. This time it was kind of funny. We were stretching our arms across two tables to hold hands to pray. Our shortest member was up on her feet to stretch across that distance. We teased her about that.

When it got to my moment closest to Christ and study I was on a roll. My friends both in church and here in blogland have given me several moments closest to Christ. Paschal and Sandi have both brought me God's love this week. I feel so blessed by them that it tickles me pink.

In an earlier post I asked a career oriented question and got an answer that had so many affirmations of my skills that I was overwhelmed by joy. Paschal waved his magic wand and made me aware that I had talent in both creative and informational writing, photography, and design. Wow! I'd never thought of the memories I share as creative writing. Then I remembered that story telling is an art. :) The idea of design had never even entered my head. Blogging is just something I do. Wow! Am I going to follow his advice? You bet!

Four days ago I put up a playlist and had fun writing about it. Putting it together was the best part. I love doing technology stuff. The next day Paschal put one up! His is really cool! And Sandi asked for help to do hers. So I sent her the directions and she put an awesome one up. Then she went and posted my directions. I'd been concerned that her feelings might be hurt because some folk didn't like music on blogs. I needn't have feared. My friend Sandi is stronger than that. Then I was sitting there and thinking about how they had done it right after, and possibly because of, me. Gee whiz, guys! I was never a leader as a child. And now I have friends who seem to be delightedly following my example. What greater compliment can you give someone than that?

This is such a blessing that it still brings tears to my eyes. So to my two moments closest to this past week I want to say, "Thank You! Paschal and Sandi, you have brought a lot of love into my life this week. I'll be eternally grateful for the kindness your actions and the love you have shown me. God bless you both!"

Love,

Growing into Loss

When I was in high school my grandfather on my father's side passed away. When Mom called to tell me about it I wanted to attend the funeral, but it wasn't convenient because I was attending boarding school in San Marcos at the time and the funeral was in Kingsville. So the idea of my grandfather being gone was somewhat unreal to me. I never got to consider the expected need for closure with that situation or make any. It was so distant that I didn't even mourn. I tell myself that my grandparents are in my heart and live on there and that I will see them when it is my time to go. It feels like they are on an extended visit and they'll be back soon...that time being unfathomable because it would be when I get to where they are.

If you've got a long, close history with someone this can be a reasonable reaction. It isn't the expected one, but it falls in line with what we are taught in church or myth surrounding death. So the first time I ever grieved was when I had a friend dying of cancer. I still miss her but the pain has settled down to a conversational thought tossed heavenward knowing that she is looking in on me from time to time. I knew her for 3 years and it took me 2 to delete the folder with all her emails in it. Why didn't I feel that way about my grandparents? I guess because I'd always had them close enough to go visit that expectation held on in my reaction to them being gone.

Ever since my first experience mourning the loss of someone I've found it hard to hear of someone else getting ill with cancer or something else that could take this familiar, loved face from my world. It's like the idea of loss suddenly became real. So I had a hard time yesterday when a friend at church said she read the obituaries daily looking to see if anyone she knew had gone on. When someone I know gets sick I get so sad and hurt so inside that I have a hard time dealing with it. I wondered how others dealt with that pain. I know several people I care about at church that are getting on in years and becoming frailer every time I turn around. The idea of them not being there is scary. I wonder what I can do because the idea of cringing and hiding away from the pain that the thought of them passing on brings is instinctive, but the desire to be close to them while they are here is critical to my loving them.

And that's what my friends and I discussed last night in my Cursillo reunion. There are apparently stages of mourning and one of them has some pamphlets that she will give me shortly to read on the subject. It felt really good to have someone to talk to about my concerns over my emotional reactions to pain and fear of loss. I felt like I'd been taken into a group of wise women and was being supported and brought up in a very loving way. We all cried for those we loved and were concerned about losing. We talked about ways we could be close to them while they are still here. I may be making one or two changes in the ways I interact with my church to support my being close to those I love because of that conversation. And I feel really wonderful about the whole thing. Even though I cried I know I am loved and understood by those women, and I'll be better at loving people I know who may not be with me that much longer.

Peace! Hope! & Joy!

Communion story and how this blog got its name

A friend just reminded me that I hadn't posted in a couple of days. Sorry if you happened along and there was nothing new.

When I started this blog I named it Chrysalis Dreams because I believe I am in the process of being renewed or rebuilt. Part of that rebuilding is from my own efforts; part of it is totally God's work. Isn't that the way it works with butterflies too? The "dreams" part was meant to reflect the idea of future self images. Today I was trying to plan this post and realized that the idea of dreams is also a concept about our realities that I picked up from "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz. According to Ruiz, we are all dreaming all the time, but we are dreaming awake. This isn't the same as daydreaming. Instead, it is building our realities. Our dreams can affect others if they let them. Other's dreams can affect us. When we are learning how to dream our parents, teachers and others who influence our lives teach us their dreams. That concept has a lot of room to play with. Admittedly, I don't have it all in hand yet. Probably I will refer back to the concepts I am gaining from that from time to time. Anyway, it occured to me that the word "dream" might have more meaning that I originally credited it with.

Ok..my last post was about retro learning and I mentioned a Communion experience I had that got me back on track with my faith. It was one of those surprising moments that really change your focus and perspective.

My faith came to completion in a small non-denominational church that was part of the grassroots faith movement of the 80's. It was a good "milk" church in that it was good for newbie Christians. Part of the character of that movement was the idea of a personal relationship with God. He was your friend. You communed with him in a loving but unassuming way that was very comfortable and intimate. He had your best interests at heart. To a large extent, all that is still true although the terms and labels of that decade have faded from popularity. So how does that translate for me today? Well I like to find that I have a very personal relationship with my church. I like to be friendly with the pastor. My church friends are special to me because I feel we share a life view and values that are similar and connect us together in ways that should help make us closer. That doesn't always happen but quite often it does. Most importantly, my faith has to have meaning to my life and vice versa. That part is kind of selfish sounding yet I think most of us feel that our lives have to have meaning or they aren't really good.

My church of today is a very "corporate" church. It is Episcopal. We do corporate confessions of sin, holding all of the body as sinners and asking God's forgiveness for all of us. We pray the Lord's Prayer in a corporate tone, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." When I am feeling particularly in need of forgiveness I find this corporateness disturbing and unhelpful. Yes my friends need forgiveness too, but I need to feel repentent to get to the point where I believe God wants me to be and gain forgiveness. When I have a lot of company as a sinner I find I'm less inclined to blame myself and thus feel less guilty. That might be a good thing for self esteem but not if I want to motivate myself to change. Nothing can get us moving faster than a real sense of self conviction.

Last year I had been at my present church for 3 years and was feeling rather alone there. I grumbled to others that I had no friends there. I accused the church of not being a welcoming body. And I had considered changing churches. That didn't happen. Everytime I started looking I'd find something I still liked about my church or something I didn't like about the alternatives and stay. Part of the reason for my lack of happiness in my church was that I didn't feel connected to the worship. My faith was formed in a charismatic church. Episcopal churches are anything BUT charismatic. You will seldom see people raising their hands toward God in prayer. You won't hear them exulting in the worship of the traditional hymns that are sung there. The service lacks the opportunity for most individual expressions of the faith experience. Nevertheless, the faith of most Episcopalians is very real and incredibly deep. That is what I think kept me there. Still I longed for that chance to find it personal.

The experience happened when a friend serving communion called my name before offering me the cup. This so seldom happens that it was totally new to me. I reacted with delight. He was making the service of communion a "personal service"! I am thinking akin to the "washing of feet" here. I looked up into his eyes, our gazes locked and down the channel between us came the Holy Spirit. He shot into our space and then filled the area around us. I could feel His joy in my reacton to this offering. For the rest of that day I glowed with happiness. I had found that personal connection to my worship there. That was it except for the aftermath.

For days after that I spent time reflecting on what had happened. Because I was so reflective on faith, when my life got overly busy the first solution I thought of was a retreat. I decided to go on Cursillo. Cursillo is designed to renew your faith and commitment to it. Since it builds lay leaders, I also hoped that it would provide me with mentors for my life. It did all of that and more. Once again my life is solidly on a path that I believe is taking me where God wants me. I am happy in my church. Friendships are happening for me there. I am learning about service too. Recently I went through Lay Eucharistic training so that I could help by serving at the altar. The response from my church to my personal growth and transformation has been beautifully rewarding. Finally I feel like a member of that body.

Sometimes I still reflect on that communion. There must be lessons to learn from so profound an experience. At first, I looked backwards trying to figure out why it happened. Now I am also trying to look forward. I think that, because of the "service" oriented nature of Communion, God wants me to serve. That hasn't been an area of strong performance in the past, but it seems to be time and opportunities are being provided.

There is also the idea of how "real" the concepts that we claim to believe about our sacraments are to us as we go through them. The other day I was talking about it to a friend when suddenly I had a flash vision. Call it insight if you want (I have been having those occaisionally since cursillo). It was a vision of Jesus on a plate all cut up like those home economics posters showing the beef carcus and all the different cuts you can get from the body. While a little weird, it wasn't gruesome....no excessive blood and such (I don't dream that way). Instead it caused me to think, "Wow, talk about service!" Also present was the awareness of the fact that he willingly gave up his life for those who, like myself, choose to accept and believe. That goes way beyond service and echos into my future. In that moment of perspective, I came to see how real the body and blood in our wine and bread feast are; and how a faith built on sacrifice and service can move through the ages transforming humanity. Like I said, I'm a retro learner. (grin)

Peace! Hope! and Joy!

What to say for a first post...

Well, I signed in for the most mundane of reasons. I wanted to comment on a friend's blog. Little did I know I would get caught up in the process of creating my own. LOL Said I was a work in progress didn't I?

I don't think I will have any major insights to pour out on the world here. I am just a woman who is in the process of changing herself one day at a time and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Probably should give a little history since you don't know me. I was born, grew up, went to college (3 times) (no, make that 4 or 5 now), worked in IT and banking for a few years and finally decided that I had grown up and wanted to be a teacher. So that is what I am doing now...getting another education and becoming qualified to teach. Hah! I think it is really an excuse to keep on learning. Hopefully I will have something to share with my students when I get them.

When I started working with kids (last year) I found it amazingly wonderful and also (as most parents know) awfully stressing. Never a dull moment and constant focus required. When I then went back to college mid year I got that feeling of windmilling your arms while running downhill. I needed a break...there wasn't one in sight. So I demanded a weekend. It turned out to be a 3 day retreat called Cursillo. That was in March. If you haven't been on one or some other flavor trust me...it was beyond description...the most transforming and rewarding experience I have ever had. Since then things have been changing constantly. Did I mention I was a work in progress?

Best things since that time? I have finally got enough female friends to have one of those amazing support circles that you see in all the girl flicks. It is awesome! My girlfriends are so neat and so supportive. The word "service" has taken on a whole new meaning. My life perspective has changed. I have more joy than stress. And people have become a source of discovery and growth. I don't think this work in progress will end anytime soon. Thank God!