He Stretched His Arms Out Upon the Cross

Today’s service was a visual example of the meaning of the action of Christ upon the cross.

It was Community Speaks Sunday and, as is our custom, we had a guest speaker, Kay Briggs, who is author of the book The Magic Seashells. The Magic Seashells is Kay’s story about her recovery and healing from sexual abuse she received as a child. Hers is a beautiful message about how she tried to live out her life in the perfect appearance so often demanded by our society, keeping her experiences and troubles a secret, until she learned that to heal from the hurt done to her as a child she had to embrace the darkness of her experience and find God’s love within it.

We also blessed and said goodbye to a member who is on a journey away from us. He is headed off to prison for the crime of downloading child pornography and will serve several years in the state facility. He knew better than to do what he did. He feels bad about it and asked over a year ago for forgiveness and we gave it with a lovely service of prayer and laying on of hands in blessing in the hopes that his journey will find him healed at the end. We all knew his day to leave would come. We just didn’t know it was going to be today.

I worry about this man because I know that what he did has made him an outcast to some of our church, society at large, and will also do the same to him in prison. From my ex who is a jailor, “inmates all have children and they hate child abusers so any inmate that they learn has hurt children has to be locked away in administrative detention to save their life from the other inmates who will beat them up and try to kill them.” So he may end up in solitary for the next few years just to live. Even if he doesn’t enter solitary confinement he certainly can’t make friends with anyone and reveal his offense.  It’s a long and lonely road he has ahead of him.

Kay’s message was a blessing to me and I know that it wasn’t easy what she did, learning to accept herself and be open about her experiences. Kay may have had her own prison of sorts trying to live out the lie of perfection. I’ve known other people who experienced child abuse and it’s a lonely misfit life they live until they find healing for that hurt. 

After we prayed for him, our departing member, I sat there and thought about what that meant, the welcoming of a victim of child abuse and prayerfully blessing an enabler of it. It seemed such a dichotomy. So radical. So extreme! From victim to criminal, Christ’s forgiving love was exemplified by the actions of our priest and the community. That is such a huge stretch that it boggles the mind. Is there nothing that God can’t or won’t forgive, fix, or heal? Apparently not. So I think that for the next few days, or perhaps weeks, I’ll be thinking about how wide Christ’s arms stretched when he laid them down upon that cross for us all. It’s a humbling thought.

May the love of God enfold each and everyone of you today and everyday! Peace! Hope! & Joy!

Growing into Loss

When I was in high school my grandfather on my father's side passed away. When Mom called to tell me about it I wanted to attend the funeral, but it wasn't convenient because I was attending boarding school in San Marcos at the time and the funeral was in Kingsville. So the idea of my grandfather being gone was somewhat unreal to me. I never got to consider the expected need for closure with that situation or make any. It was so distant that I didn't even mourn. I tell myself that my grandparents are in my heart and live on there and that I will see them when it is my time to go. It feels like they are on an extended visit and they'll be back soon...that time being unfathomable because it would be when I get to where they are.

If you've got a long, close history with someone this can be a reasonable reaction. It isn't the expected one, but it falls in line with what we are taught in church or myth surrounding death. So the first time I ever grieved was when I had a friend dying of cancer. I still miss her but the pain has settled down to a conversational thought tossed heavenward knowing that she is looking in on me from time to time. I knew her for 3 years and it took me 2 to delete the folder with all her emails in it. Why didn't I feel that way about my grandparents? I guess because I'd always had them close enough to go visit that expectation held on in my reaction to them being gone.

Ever since my first experience mourning the loss of someone I've found it hard to hear of someone else getting ill with cancer or something else that could take this familiar, loved face from my world. It's like the idea of loss suddenly became real. So I had a hard time yesterday when a friend at church said she read the obituaries daily looking to see if anyone she knew had gone on. When someone I know gets sick I get so sad and hurt so inside that I have a hard time dealing with it. I wondered how others dealt with that pain. I know several people I care about at church that are getting on in years and becoming frailer every time I turn around. The idea of them not being there is scary. I wonder what I can do because the idea of cringing and hiding away from the pain that the thought of them passing on brings is instinctive, but the desire to be close to them while they are here is critical to my loving them.

And that's what my friends and I discussed last night in my Cursillo reunion. There are apparently stages of mourning and one of them has some pamphlets that she will give me shortly to read on the subject. It felt really good to have someone to talk to about my concerns over my emotional reactions to pain and fear of loss. I felt like I'd been taken into a group of wise women and was being supported and brought up in a very loving way. We all cried for those we loved and were concerned about losing. We talked about ways we could be close to them while they are still here. I may be making one or two changes in the ways I interact with my church to support my being close to those I love because of that conversation. And I feel really wonderful about the whole thing. Even though I cried I know I am loved and understood by those women, and I'll be better at loving people I know who may not be with me that much longer.

Peace! Hope! & Joy!

Rain, Meetings, and Chocolate!

We have rain here! Yesterday afternoon, as I was leaving WalMart, I had to run to the car in it. Yay! I hadn't gotten wet with rain in a long time and felt totally like a kid again. Rain is cool! And we are going to have it all this weekend.

On Thursday as the school day was ending, My CT and I had a meeting with the Principal. She talked to me about the high expectations that they held for me. The feedback I gave her helped me clarify some things. Then my CT and I went back to our classroom and relocated the desks of several students whose behavior we hoped to improve by seating them next to other children.

Thursday night I called a good friend and talked about the challenges of student teaching. She was a great ear and had some good advice. Then yesterday I counseled with my supervisor who had more good advice. She reminded me that I'm still supposed to be merely observing and figuring out how this teacher does things. That's all I'm supposed to be doing...not helping...not interacting with the students...just watching. I can do that. I also need to remain aware that this CT is not going to be my friend and maintain a professional relationship with her. I can do that too. It isn't what I'd hoped to do. I learned tons from my last two CTs who have both become friends. I'm sure I'll learn a lot from this CT too. We just may never get to where we really like each other much. I do hope I can gain her respect. That's vital.

When I was at WalMart I found some of the things I need to help me organize the semester. I got a clear plastic filing box that wasn't too expensive. I really wanted a filing drawer but they were expensive. So I elected for something stackable and affordable. I also discovered the wonderful selection of chocolates that WalMart now carries. I was amazed and delighted. So much so that I bought 3 bags of dark chocolate and one bar. None of this was cheap but the choices were good. There was Ghirardelli, Green & Black, Hershey's Cacao Reserve, Cot d'Or, Lindt and a few others I can't remember. I aimed for chocolate that had at least 70% cacao in it. I've read somewhere that this high level of cacao is necessary for effective serotonin results. I'm not sure about that but it certainly tastes better. The Cot d'Or had 86%. Wow!

Decluttering

About a year ago, one of my Sunday school groups discussed the idea of unburdening ones life from the many possessions that we seem to accumulate. The primary reason presented was that when one trimmed down ones life one then gained freedom. Freedom from clutter was a biggie. Freedom from the need to clean and care for all of that stuff. The heavy theme of the discussion was the freedom to get up and go should the Lord call. I can think of a few other freedoms that getting rid of clutter provides.

Freedom from distraction. You don't have all these things calling you to do stuff because you haven't done them in a while. Suddenly you have time to mentally go places you haven't gone before because you had all these things to do with your stuff. A sense of calm comes over your space when it isn't filled to the max. Which leads me to...

Freedom of movement. You suddenly have space to move around in. And not just you but your possessions. Finally there is room to rearrange that shelf so that it looks better. You can set that prized possession front and center where it can be seen with nothing to detract from it pride of place. And let's not forget that, as stated above, going places mentally requires space too. So you suddenly acquire mental room as it were.

Freedom from stress. There is a sense of peace about a space that is simple in its design and content. That's why minimalism is often popular in decorating schemes. I think that organization of things both physically and mentally is stressful. Imagine how many things you actually own and then imagine the energy you expend mentally just keeping track of where they all are so that you can find them instantly. That's a huge use of mental resources. No wonder my ex was often lost among our many papers and the clutter on the desk. He was the one who had a mental list of store prices and a road map of which roads went where. I was the one who knew where and in which stack a paper or bill was and if it had been dealt with.

Freedom for spirituality. This is a biggie for me. When I see clutter I don't feel calm. And I need calm for the spirit to take over. Without that place, yes room, for spirituality I can't focus on prayer effectively and tend to pull back from the experience. This isn't something I want to find myself doing, so I really need the freedom of space for worship at home. I need it at church too.

My church, like many others, holds two services each Sunday. One is early morning, at 8:00 AM. The other is late morning and finishes about noon. The late service is big, most of the members attend this one. It has music, acolytes, more than one lay minister, cantors...all the trimmings. If you want to be in on the social world of my church you go to this one. In contrast, the early service is very small, fewer than 40 people. It has no music. There is only one lay minister to help out. It is also very short being only 40 minutes in length. This is the service I attend. And I pay a price for attending it by missing out on much of the social goings on. But this is the one where I can focus. It is quiet, meditative and the only thing missing to make it a Taize service is the music. When I first started attending this church I went to the late service. A month or so later I decided to try the early service to see who was there and how it worked with my schedule. I went once and never switched back.

One more freedom that lack of clutter provides is productivity. Suddenly you know where everything is and you have space to spread your projects out so that you can work in whatever fashion makes you most effective. And that is what I'm going to need this fall when I student teach. I've no real idea yet what all student teaching involves other than that I will end up managing a classroom for 4 weeks out of 12 without support. And I'm imagining all kinds of night time projects to keep the classroom activities going from day to day. I may be able to do this in the classroom I'm assigned to, but teachers have different styles and this won't be my space. I'm going to have to play it by ear, but I already know that having comfort in my own space will be important for me in being effective, productive and able to focus on the tasks instead of the search for resources and tools. That will come best from my own space at home unless the teacher makes me welcome in every possible way.

So, as I mentioned in earlier posts, I am starting the process of getting rid of clutter. All the freedoms I've mentioned will be then be added to my life. This past week I've done the laundry...no more piles of clothes on counters. This week I am getting rid of magazines. The stacks will be gone when I am through...and hopefully the articles I cull from them will be read. Then I will start clearing out my files of unnecessary documents and keep only the most relevant and current. If I'm really creative I may find a way to get rid of some furniture. Then I really will have space to move around in, and I love to dance and stretch which is hard in the small place I rent.

Will this give me the freedom to go should the Lord call? I hope so. It will certainly make it easier to move should I have to pack up and haul my stuff elsewhere. If God calls, I hope it is to a nice place. I trust that when I start searching for that teaching position my prayers will be answered and I find a really good fit that allows me to grow and do my best for the children I will teach. Since I have been dealing with the stress of an unknown future lately, I think that getting rid of stuff will let me feel in control and at peace knowing that I can do what is necessary where I am or where ever I need to go. So here's to decluttering and peaceful places and paths.

Soul Songs of Life

Sometimes rambling thoughts carry me to places I've never been. Sometimes those places are instinctively recognized. They feel like a coming home to an awareness or an awakening. When this happens my whole being sort of sings with truth and life. Such was the case this morning.

This morning's news had an article on the things that men fear. That started me thinking. My thoughts ran through many subjects. The article said men fear rejection and looking foolish in public. I know people who won't reach out to others because of such fears. So my thoughts started in the direction of men, women and their relationships. They stumbled through the ways that men and women focus on one another. They stumbled through sex. The idea that sex is a gift from God was considered.

The Eastern philosophies consider sex a pathway to the divine. The Western ones need to see Christ in them. This is not easy until you consider what Christ did with others. He saw, loved and knew each individual whose life he touched. He tended to their needs. We need to do that in our relationships. We don't do enough of it in our marriages. At least not in Western marriages. And I thought about the times when I felt my ex partner meeting mine.

Then I wandered through one of the better times of my marriage when the environment was not the bedroom or the kitchen and was wonderfully united in love. I thought about how even though I have anger at some of the things that happened during the breakup and divorce I still have memories that mean something to me. That is the part that makes divorce so hard. You have good things that hold you to someone and bad things that tear you apart.

Taking a look back at where I'd been mentally I was amazed at how much I had thought about and how broad the mental wandering had been. Somehow through that mental conversation I ended up telling myself that, "Life changes constantly and broadly. If we aren't in a state of change we aren't living. And if we don't recognize that change in all its breadth and embrace it, we aren't living fully." And my soul rang! May the dawn of your day sing to you as beautifully as mine did.

Communion story and how this blog got its name

A friend just reminded me that I hadn't posted in a couple of days. Sorry if you happened along and there was nothing new.

When I started this blog I named it Chrysalis Dreams because I believe I am in the process of being renewed or rebuilt. Part of that rebuilding is from my own efforts; part of it is totally God's work. Isn't that the way it works with butterflies too? The "dreams" part was meant to reflect the idea of future self images. Today I was trying to plan this post and realized that the idea of dreams is also a concept about our realities that I picked up from "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz. According to Ruiz, we are all dreaming all the time, but we are dreaming awake. This isn't the same as daydreaming. Instead, it is building our realities. Our dreams can affect others if they let them. Other's dreams can affect us. When we are learning how to dream our parents, teachers and others who influence our lives teach us their dreams. That concept has a lot of room to play with. Admittedly, I don't have it all in hand yet. Probably I will refer back to the concepts I am gaining from that from time to time. Anyway, it occured to me that the word "dream" might have more meaning that I originally credited it with.

Ok..my last post was about retro learning and I mentioned a Communion experience I had that got me back on track with my faith. It was one of those surprising moments that really change your focus and perspective.

My faith came to completion in a small non-denominational church that was part of the grassroots faith movement of the 80's. It was a good "milk" church in that it was good for newbie Christians. Part of the character of that movement was the idea of a personal relationship with God. He was your friend. You communed with him in a loving but unassuming way that was very comfortable and intimate. He had your best interests at heart. To a large extent, all that is still true although the terms and labels of that decade have faded from popularity. So how does that translate for me today? Well I like to find that I have a very personal relationship with my church. I like to be friendly with the pastor. My church friends are special to me because I feel we share a life view and values that are similar and connect us together in ways that should help make us closer. That doesn't always happen but quite often it does. Most importantly, my faith has to have meaning to my life and vice versa. That part is kind of selfish sounding yet I think most of us feel that our lives have to have meaning or they aren't really good.

My church of today is a very "corporate" church. It is Episcopal. We do corporate confessions of sin, holding all of the body as sinners and asking God's forgiveness for all of us. We pray the Lord's Prayer in a corporate tone, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." When I am feeling particularly in need of forgiveness I find this corporateness disturbing and unhelpful. Yes my friends need forgiveness too, but I need to feel repentent to get to the point where I believe God wants me to be and gain forgiveness. When I have a lot of company as a sinner I find I'm less inclined to blame myself and thus feel less guilty. That might be a good thing for self esteem but not if I want to motivate myself to change. Nothing can get us moving faster than a real sense of self conviction.

Last year I had been at my present church for 3 years and was feeling rather alone there. I grumbled to others that I had no friends there. I accused the church of not being a welcoming body. And I had considered changing churches. That didn't happen. Everytime I started looking I'd find something I still liked about my church or something I didn't like about the alternatives and stay. Part of the reason for my lack of happiness in my church was that I didn't feel connected to the worship. My faith was formed in a charismatic church. Episcopal churches are anything BUT charismatic. You will seldom see people raising their hands toward God in prayer. You won't hear them exulting in the worship of the traditional hymns that are sung there. The service lacks the opportunity for most individual expressions of the faith experience. Nevertheless, the faith of most Episcopalians is very real and incredibly deep. That is what I think kept me there. Still I longed for that chance to find it personal.

The experience happened when a friend serving communion called my name before offering me the cup. This so seldom happens that it was totally new to me. I reacted with delight. He was making the service of communion a "personal service"! I am thinking akin to the "washing of feet" here. I looked up into his eyes, our gazes locked and down the channel between us came the Holy Spirit. He shot into our space and then filled the area around us. I could feel His joy in my reacton to this offering. For the rest of that day I glowed with happiness. I had found that personal connection to my worship there. That was it except for the aftermath.

For days after that I spent time reflecting on what had happened. Because I was so reflective on faith, when my life got overly busy the first solution I thought of was a retreat. I decided to go on Cursillo. Cursillo is designed to renew your faith and commitment to it. Since it builds lay leaders, I also hoped that it would provide me with mentors for my life. It did all of that and more. Once again my life is solidly on a path that I believe is taking me where God wants me. I am happy in my church. Friendships are happening for me there. I am learning about service too. Recently I went through Lay Eucharistic training so that I could help by serving at the altar. The response from my church to my personal growth and transformation has been beautifully rewarding. Finally I feel like a member of that body.

Sometimes I still reflect on that communion. There must be lessons to learn from so profound an experience. At first, I looked backwards trying to figure out why it happened. Now I am also trying to look forward. I think that, because of the "service" oriented nature of Communion, God wants me to serve. That hasn't been an area of strong performance in the past, but it seems to be time and opportunities are being provided.

There is also the idea of how "real" the concepts that we claim to believe about our sacraments are to us as we go through them. The other day I was talking about it to a friend when suddenly I had a flash vision. Call it insight if you want (I have been having those occaisionally since cursillo). It was a vision of Jesus on a plate all cut up like those home economics posters showing the beef carcus and all the different cuts you can get from the body. While a little weird, it wasn't gruesome....no excessive blood and such (I don't dream that way). Instead it caused me to think, "Wow, talk about service!" Also present was the awareness of the fact that he willingly gave up his life for those who, like myself, choose to accept and believe. That goes way beyond service and echos into my future. In that moment of perspective, I came to see how real the body and blood in our wine and bread feast are; and how a faith built on sacrifice and service can move through the ages transforming humanity. Like I said, I'm a retro learner. (grin)

Peace! Hope! and Joy!