A Quiet Day this Saturday

Once a year my church holds a day of rest and reflection. We call it our Quiet Day. This will be my first year to attend. In some ways I’m looking forward to it. What will the day be like? We have gentle yoga planned. Are there other activities? In other ways I’m a bit nervous. I find peace in solitude, will there be too many people for that? Presumably I’ll spend time quietly talking to God, or maybe just waiting. Will I find answers to my questions? Or will I fidget too much, as I’m wont to do, to find peace?

Today my friend San has a new post up that gives me food for thought. It’s about a view on life that has one turning around and viewing life from the opposite direction. It also covers the inner and outer voices. That gave me so much to think about that I’m hoping I’ll be able to focus on it’s meanings on Saturday. The post, you can read it here, made me think about seeing things from that different perspective. Can it really be that simple? Can I mentally turn my chair around and see my life differently? On Saturday?

The key concept of my hope derives from something I’ve done once unsuccessfully and my priest did recently very successfully. What we both attempted was wandering in the wilderness. My priest went on sabbatical. During that time he went on a solo hiking trip, after a meditative and prayerful retreat, to spend time with God in the wilderness. My last attempt at walking with God in the wilderness was a couple of years ago and even with all the markers on the trail I focused on the wrong things, didn’t plan carefully enough, and had wrong info which, if corrected, would have given me a lifeline. The result for my priest was that he came back refreshed, renewed, and changed from his experiences. My results were different. I got lost and in the process lost faith in myself. Not in God though. I give him all the credit for me not ending up in an emergency room after getting lost on a walk that had plenty of signs if I’d known how to read them.

In some ways that analogy also applies to my life and career choices. Good intentions aren’t enough. You have to have skills in reading signs, and plan with forethought and self awareness when you choose the paths you take. So when I asked my priest last Sunday if he would teach a class on how to find our way in the wilderness I was being more than hopeful. It occurs to me that perhaps learning how to walk in the wilderness physically would also help me walk it metaphorically.

Since I’m seeming to place so much hope on this idea I plan on encouraging my priest again to teach this class. Folk in my church love going hiking and for the past 2 years we’ve had a trip to a beautiful camping place in our state, Big Bend. There are a lot of places around our city where we can go hiking. We even have access to several places that can be reached on day trips, done with 2 hours of driving each way. I’m not ignorant of the fact that it takes more than locale to teach one how to survive in the wilderness. I just hope that I can generalize the skills of successful navigation to the rest of my life. And that by going into the wilderness with God I’ll tune out the distractions of life, as I did in my youth, and focus on what is real and true. Maybe that will make a difference.

Where I'd Like to be Next Spring

For awhile now I’ve wanted to get over to the San Antonio Botanical Gardens, so when my friend Jenny called and suggested we get out of the house this is where I suggested we go. Jenny liked this idea, so on Saturday we each left our respective homes and headed down to the gardens with the goal of arriving before the morning heat came full on. We didn’t quite make it but the time waiting for her to catch up with me was spent familiarizing myself with the macro controls on my camera, a Canon Powershot A570 is.

What the manual told me was that I had a setting for foliage under the Special Circumstances mode and that if I pressed the control that looked like a tulip I’d get macro mode which would allow me to get within 2 inches of anything I cared to shoot. I was delighted to discover that macro mode was available on foliage mode, it isn’t in some modes, so my camera pretty much stayed on foliage settings the entire morning.



That’s the entrance to the gardens, taken while I was sitting there waiting for Jenny to arrive. The gardens are wheelchair accessible and we are looking at the ramp to the main entry way. Then I turned around and saw this gorgeous bougainvillea.

After Jenny got there, we paid for entrance and headed out into the gardens where I promptly found something to photograph, and discovered I had to change batteries. I gritted my teeth because I knew I should have switched them out and recharged the old ones before we left. Fortunately I always carry a charged set in the case. The problem this created was a possible limit on the number of images I could take while exploring the park. I recently read that doing preview mode on a digital camera quickly uses up your batteries so I decided I’d avoid that as much as possible. And off we headed to the rose garden.


The garden had tons of roses in all colors, but the one that caught my eye was this one. This is a trumpeter rose. I was enchanted by the variety of shades it showed on the same bush. You might think I’d be taking pictures right and left as I wandered, and if I’d been sure of my resources I would have. But since I didn’t know how long the batteries would last I took the best shot I could in each of the gardens and left it at that.

You could tell the gardens had been feeling the heat. San Antonio is on stage 2 water restrictions because of drought so we can only hand water if we want to do it daily. Watering by sprinkler is only allowed once a week. So there were volunteers throughout the gardens with hoses in their hands.

Because it was so hot and dry the prettiest sections of the gardens were the parts with plants native to Texas. And since it’s heading into autumn the butterflies are starting their migration although that probably won’t be in full swing till September. Even so, there were plenty of them fluttering around the garden and I tried to catch one. Those darn butterflies are fast and difficult to catch with their wings open. So I took exactly 2 shots and decided to give up thinking I’d been unsuccessful. When I got home and uploaded the pictures I found that while I’d been focusing on one butterfly, another had snuck into the shot and it was showing open wings. So here you go!


I guess that guy in the bottom of the shot wanted his 15 minutes of fame. LOL These look a bit like monarchs but their colors aren’t as bright as I remember monarchs being so I’m thinking it must be a different variety or perhaps a close cousin. A few steps further along, I came across this plant.


I really liked the laciness of the leaves and the airiness of this pretty flower. If I ever learn the name of it that will go on my list of plants for future gardens.

By this time the garden was heating up and I wanted to head for the cooler parts of the gardens. Those included a walk around a small lake on the property and a stroll through the climate controlled gardens kept inside buildings. On the way there we strolled through the area that the gardens use to hold summer concerts. And just at the entrance to the lawn there is the beautiful wisteria arbor. I took the following picture of the entrance to it.


It’s amazing how green this is as late in summer as we are and with hundred degree heat almost daily. But when I owned a house one of the plants in the garden was a Texas Wisteria so I think this might be covered with that variety. Then I went over and sat down on that bench on the right and took this next shot.


Isn’t that circular framing fascinating with those vines hanging off of it. This is where I intend to be next spring when the wisteria blooms. Wisteria is a beautiful bluish lavender bloom that has a very short season and I’m so looking forward to when those circles of vines will be strewn with gorgeous flowers.

After we sat there and rested for a bit we hit the lake and fed the ducks.


There are benches through out the gardens and I was sitting on one when I took this. None of the duck shots I took turned out well so I’m storing them for later study to see how I can improve my technique. From here we headed to the climate controlled gardens because it was no 11:30 AM and I wanted to see the air conditioned gardens I remembered from my last visit. Sure enough they didn’t disappoint!


These caught my eye because they were up above me where the man made waterfalls were coming from. They are gorgeous but I’ve no idea what they are called. If you know a name for them please leave it for me in a comment. One thing you’ll be able to tell from the pictures I’ve taken here is that red is my favorite color.

There’s a pathway through this garden. It’s very necessary because the place looks sort of like what I imagine a jungle or rain forest might look like. Plants are everywhere and very close together, pile one on top of another. There were several varieties of orchids, most of which were up high but there was one that was hanging down and had placed itself conveniently against a light colored background. Jenny spotted that one so it is thanks to her that I have this shot.

The intensity of color here has me wondering how hard orchids are to raise.

Before we left this cool and enjoyable area I noticed one more really intense red bloom. Jenny told me a funny story about her 3 year old granddaughter’s interpretation of what the stamen was. Seems the child thought the flower was “using the bathroom.” LOL Weird stamen or not, this color is intense.


Notice the white flower behind it? I know that if I had a faster shutter speed I’d have had a better chance of getting that flower in focus which was what I had hoped would happen. But I’m not that good with the elaborate controls my camera gives me. A smart photographer and blogger once said, take your camera out and use one control at a time till you get really good with it. I think that is what I need to do. Even though the white bloom is blurry I still like the color contrast.

The next few climate controlled gardens were desert, bromeliad, and the fern glade. These were not as physically comfortable as the previous garden so we didn’t stay long. It was in one of them that I learned what a tea plant looked like. I’d never seen one and the sign in front of it informed me that there is only one type of tea plant and that what you purchase. Whether it is black, green, or orange pekoe is all a matter of processing. The tea plant isn’t in bloom. I don’t know if it DOES bloom. But here is what provides our wonderful morning refreshment if you’re a tea drinker.


After this I headed to the water gardens because 1) they are beautiful and 2) Sandi has one and I wanted to share some of the flowers I knew would be there with her. So here are the water lily pictures. I took four of them, one of them a close up of the blooms that weren’t open but I hoped would be soon.

There’s a stepping stone pathway across the water garden and that’s where I stood to take this one. The next two I had to walk around the edge of the pond trying to stay off the lawn as much as possible because there wasn’t a designed trail but merely a place free from most grass that I think was created by visitors who wanted to get closer to the flowers just like I did.


Here’s flower number two. I shared this one with Sandi by email but I’d taken more than one shot of it and this one seems to show the flowers better although the other one has a better placement. It’s below. What’s your feeling about that?


For this one there was very little that I could do to avoid the obvious pond controls in the shot. However, I liked the bloom because it is on a much taller stem than these others have been.

It was a very awkward angle that I took this from. I stood at the very edge of the water and then just put the camera in my hand and held it out as far as I could towards the plant and got this next one for my efforts.


I couldn’t begin to tell you what made such a difference but my arm is about two and a half feet in length and I zoomed in as much as possible with a small prayer as I snapped the photo.

Now it was 12:30PM, the temperature was about 100 degrees, and we were both hungry and tired. So we discussed where to go for lunch on the walk back to the garden entrance. We decided to eat at the Carriage House, which is the garden restaurant, because I said if I had to drive anywhere I’d drive home.

On the way towards lunch I got two more shots. The first was this native plant, which once again I don’t know the name of. But purples and lavenders are my second favorite color so here’s a pretty shot of something I see a lot in the xeriscape gardens around here.

We even have some in the church garden.

I was feeling all sentimental when I took this last picture. It is of a plant my grandmother had in her garden when I was a child, although not this color. Which is why I took it!


Grandmother’s pomegranates were red in color. Just like the ones we are all pretty familiar with. I didn’t know that these lovely fruit came in orange and perhaps other colors. I also loved the bright red flowers that were growing next to and below it on the other side of the wall. What a nice image to close out my trip to the gardens with!

I hope you’ve enjoyed the trip with me. I also hope I get the chance to go again soon. I know I’ll be there next spring. Got to see that wisteria in bloom. Blessings!

Walking a Measured Path

When I was just into my 30's I was working at a bank and finding life kind of rough. It didn't meet my hopes or my expectations. Decisions in life that I'd made without thinking had brought me to a point where I was feeling kind of cold about life and what mine represented.

Then one day I met Tom Jones, no, not the singer. This guy was a young and rising officer at the bank. We found we enjoyed each others company and music brought us closer together. You see, we both played guitars. So our dates revolved around that.

I think my life's dissatisfaction must have been present in our conversations because one day Tom asked me if I believed in God. He managed to do this in a way that didn't sound like he was trying to save me or anything like that. I wish I could tell you his exact words, but what happened after was more memory worthy.

We were sitting at the table in his place and I'd been talking about all the things wrong in my life. I even managed to spill soup on myself in the midst of crying. Tom was understanding, lent me a clean shirt, but after that he gently suggested I read the bible. I asked him what that would do and his answer was something along the lines of "it will give you good advice on how to live." So I guess I started seeking through reading.

I actually did. I read the New Testament because that's where Tom said I should start. My impressions of the bible were no doubt strange and sometimes silly. The morning after reading about Jesus cursing the fig tree I declared he'd gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. Tom grinned when I said that but he also listened.

Eventually I read the whole New Testament, and at some point during that time Tom invited me to attend church with him and this lady he knew. That was where I got saved and the story of that evening was told back at the beginning of this blog in "Maintenance and Retro Learning". I'd never imagined that the receiving of a faith could be so real! Since that time I've walked through life knowing there was a God and he loved me beyond words and beyond reason, or at least from my perspective.

Looking back on those talks with Tom, I've come to realize that while I'd heard lots of proselytizing talks from friends or acquaintances, this one was real in a much more holy way and far less religious. I'd gone through the steps and stages that the bring people to Christ in a very natural way. All the salvation pamphlets list them. Seek and ye shall find. Confess your sins, repent and be forgiven. Believe and receive. Well I had sought, hadn't I? I was certainly unhappy till Tom helped me find that path. Confess my sins? I think that any believer is able to forgive sins in God's name. Tom heard me confess all my past sins at that dinner table. I'd cried over the things I'd done and wanted to be able to put them behind me. I'm sure that Tom forgave me, as did God. We stayed friends for many years. It was distance that separated us and I only hope that my friend is happy. When I went to church with him and Debra, his future girlfriend and my future best friend, I listened, believed, and received the Holy Spirit.

So who planned all of that? Not me. Not Tom. I think it was God. It just fit "the plan" too perfectly to be anything else. And that is how I came to believe, walking a measured path from dark into light. Thank God!

Wanna Take a Stroll with Me?

The pictures of my lake are all resized and a few are slightly corrected. Because of the early morning hour, not many of them needed any changes. I actually like the colors better this early in the morning. It was about 7 AM. The contrast seemed to need a little help in a few of the images. Maybe that's because we have haze even on good days here in San Antone. So, "Shall we go for a walk?"

"Of course, we can take our cameras with us. Why not?"

When you leave my apartment headed for the complex office, or the lake, you pass through a rather large, for being inside of a city, valley. The trail is paved and the inclines from street level going down into the valley and back up to the levy surrounding the lake are gentle but steep enough to give you some good exercise. There are 18 acres on this apartment complex and we take up one side of the lake.

The valley has some south Texas xeriscaping and here is an example of some of it. These are the fading blossoms of a choke bush. When it is spring and they are new the stems you see are colored a lovely bluish purple.

We also have some trees similar to those which line the downtown Riverwalk. There's enough water in our area to keep these trees green and when it rains there is runoff through the valley. Even with all that moisture some trees don't do as well as others.

Our trail is lit by lanterns such as this one. As you can see from the clouds behind it we were hoping for rain that day. The rain didn't happen that week, but we've had several days of rain this week and are expecting a little more.

We're almost to the office by now and while the complex is nice it isn't my favorite photographic subject. I dropped the rent check off via the drop slot and turned around to find this view.

Some of our neighbors really love their flowers and plants. This one obviously has a green thumb and so does their neighbor.

Then I noticed sad evidence of mankind. Why on earth would someone set a can standing upright on the ground beside their truck and then back out of the parking space to just leave it there?

Ah, here's our first view of the lake. You can tell that we've had quite a few dry days by the water level. When it rains the water, of course, fills the lake. Sometimes it even overflows. I wonder what this level of water does to the fish and birds that live on this lake.

We keep this playground for the kids who are too young to understand about animal safety. Thanks to regular hand feeding some of our bird residents are overly friendly to people and this can be intimidating to a small child. I didn't spot any of the usual apartment complex barbecue grills around on my walk but I know there are some near here, so this probably serves as a good visiting place for mothers to send their children while the dads do the grilling.

Just past the play ground you can look back and, again, see the lack of water the season has brought us. Looking at this wall I'm reminded of images I've seen of renaissance castle walls and how the community might put up some barriers at different height/stages for defense of the residents.

As the trail curves around the lake we come to one of the first landscaped seating areas that are so popular with visitors. Some of them are a bit back from the water but most of them, like this one, are set right along the edge of the lake.

Don't you just envy the people who live on the other side from us. This shot is taken from within that seating area looking up at the apartment of the person who lives nearest it. Man, what a great backyard.

Some of those seating areas are bigger and nicer than others. I think there are about five around the entire lake. Most of them are on the side of The Regatta, the complex on the other side of the lake from my complex. This one is really nice and lush when the lake is full.

Once inside that gorgeous rest spot you can look across the lake to the deck which is on my side. That too attracts visitors and not as many ducks or geese.

The lake has its share of the squirrels which love the oak and pecan trees so prevalent in south Texas. Here's one of them that didn't seem to mind being photographed. I took three pictures of him trying to get him centered in the view finder. Then he did this (see below).

He just spun ninety degrees towards me and I swear he was saying, "You lookin' at me?!" I got this last shot which was kind of blurry and then backed carefully out of his territory.

I didn't get a picture of the bridge that crosses our lake at the far end, sorry. But this is a nice panoramic view of what you can see when standing on it. If you want to see it bigger just click on it.

Here's what you can see looking the other direction from the bridge. That's a street, which runs behind the lake, and the beginnings of the Northern Hills country club, which has its own golf course. I like to take the drive up that street when coming home because it has a pretty view of the back side of the lake.

Past the bridge you can see a long and winding path which curves around the end of the lake and then splits off to go in two different directions. One of them heads back along the lake. We'll take that one. The other goes off into the valley to get you back home to my group of buildings.

Walkers around our lake make lots of friends. This shot interested me because you can see some of the measures we have taken to ensure the permanence of the path. Those white tubes sticking out under the asphalt are for drainage during times of frequent rain.

Periods of drought leave their effects too. Here's a pretty deep crack in the trail from the settling caused by dry soil as you head back up the levy to the edge of the lake.

At this end of the lake there used to be a huge bunch of reeds growing in the water. Within those reeds resided a white crane(?) or waterfowl of some sort. I don't know the exact name but I recognized the type by the long legs and its tendency to stand on just one of them. Plus it was a water feeder and stayed pretty much within those reeds. It was a solitary bird and I didn't see him this time. I think he left because they decided to clean out the reeds. Probably this was done for safety. I'll miss the old fellow. Hope he's okay.

Benches like you see there used to hang on chains from frames. They're still nice places to sit on and are more off the path than the swinging seats used to be.

A few steps further along the trail we'll come to the deck we saw from the other side of the lake. This is a popular viewing place and the breezes are very nice standing at the edge of it. Once we've moved to the side of it stretching over the lake you can see this.

This panoramic view took 10 images to create. Most of them were taken with the camera held vertically so that you had a tall narrow view. I only left out one image which showed a wooden post that was part of the deck/pier structure. Because it was so close to me it threw the auto focus off and everything behind it in that one image was blurry. Fortunately the images on either side were overlapped enough with it that nothing else was lost. Once again, if you want to see this image larger just click on it. The panoramic views really look best if you see them larger.

Turn around and here's what the deck/pier looks like from the lake edge. Rather pretty isn't it? I like the fact that it is in several levels and there are lots of places you can lean on to rest and enjoy your view or a conversation with a friend.

Here's a last view of the deck as we head off on the home stretch. We've come 3/4 of the way around the lake and the rest isn't as pretty as what we've seen although it still has spots of interest. But now we're getting close to human habitation again and I like it better without all the buildings. Don't you?

Here's the view of the valley between my building and the lake's levy. We're headed back home now and as you can see there's that tree we saw earlier which I hope recovers but suspect will probably be chopped down.

The entire walk around the lake is about 3/4 of a mile. If you include my valley it gets closer to a mile and maybe an extra 1/8th. The area is very populated with people and kids. Sometimes the grass grows a little taller than is easy to mow. I saw this once and the result was that some small rodents had taken residence in the valley. I became aware of the rodents when I noticed a bird of prey, probably a hawk, hanging over the valley. He would drop down into the grass to catch something and then rise to a nearby tree to consume it. You always think the chase is going to be so swift but his actions were very slow and lazy. Either the rodents were slow or he was a very good hunter.

Well, I've enjoyed our walk. We should do it again sometime. :) Joy!

Walking Side by Side

When I was a kid, Mother did her best to shelter me from the hardships of life. She really loved me and wanted to make my life as pain free as she could. Sadly, this isn't always possible. Even sadder is that, sometimes, it isn't the best way to bring up our children. Life is hard and that hardship toughens us and makes us better prepared for the next struggle we will encounter. My father knew this and was often frustrated with my mother's over sheltering of me. I'm sure it was the cause of many arguments between them. There was one time however, that Dad has his way and I'm the better for it.

In the late 60's backpacking became popular as a vacation activity. My folks decided to take my sister and me to Colorado and we spent a couple of summer vacations in the San Juan Wilderness area. The summer I was 17 my family decided to see the continental divide and view the start of the Rio Grande River. I wasn't as physically prepared for this journey as I should have been. But, we didn't have anyone at the base came to leave me with and I really wanted to go. So my parents, with some misgivings, helped me assemble my pack and off we went.

We took the narrow gauge railroad from Durango to Silverton and then headed out into the wilderness. At some point early in the hike we came to a mountain which wasn't climb worth but was steep enough that it had many switchbacks on the path up it. This turned what might have been less than a 3 mile hike into a very difficult 5 miles. With 25 additional pounds on my back, and being very out of shape, I became exhausted quickly. About half way up I sat down in the middle of the trail and wanted to quit. It didn't help that all around us were some younger boy scouts running up and down the incline. I was tired!

Dad had a goal in mind for the day and it didn't include camping in the middle of the path. He also knew I had been allowed to quit too many times and would do so if given the chance. This wouldn't work for us. I know he was very concerned. He also realized that yelling at me, his usual response, wouldn't help here. So, for the first time in my life, Dad took charge of my upbringing.

He sat down beside me and we talked. He told me he knew I was tired and that the path was steep. He also said he knew I could do this hike. I almost certainly expressed my doubts about this. He promised me he would be with me every step of the way. Then he told me his plan. We were going to sit there for a few minutes and let me catch my breath. Then we were going to stand up and walk 100 steps. When we got to 100 we would stop and, still standing, rest for a minute or two to catch our breaths again. Then we would walk another hundred steps. Then once again we would stop and catch our breaths. We would do this the entire way up that path. And so we did. Dad may have held my hand during the first few hundreds, but soon I found it easier to walk without his hand in mine. And you know what? When we reached the top I flew down the other side. I felt awesome!

That was the first and only lesson my father was ever allowed to give me in perseverance, but it stuck with me. When I was in the Navy Reserve and had to take a fitness test, it came into use. I was again out of shape and had to run 1.5 miles in something under 17 minutes. This shouldn't have been hard, but for a sedentary person it was very difficult. To prepare for this I found a fitness program that I could do inside my apartment. It included running in place for a short period of time and then slowing to a walk and then running some more. Sounds similar to the 100 steps doesn't it? I did this program for two weeks before I was able to run nonstop for 6 minutes.

When the test time came around I ran with my best friend and her boyfriend; nothing helps you stay motivated like companionship. Because she knew about my training program, we ran in bursts when necessary. One hundred steps, then walk, run another hundred, and then walk again. As we moved forward I started increasing the steps. It reached the point where I was running 300 steps at a time. I passed the test with flying colors!

When it was all done, I remembered my experience with Dad. That night I called him up to thank him for that lesson in perseverance. It is one of my best memories of Dad and I love him dearly for it. Throughout my life that lesson has been useful. It helped me pass college algebra. It helped me keep on trying when all I could see was failure in my future. It will help me over the next hill. So, when I hear about parents who get frustrated because their kids won't cooperate, I remember my Dad and determine that if there is one thing I want to pass on to my future students it will be that lesson he gave me so many years ago. Don't quit! And I'll do it the way he did it, not by dragging me along, but by walking with me, side by side.

Mountains where you least expect them...

My friend, Susan, posted a wonderful homily entitled "Coming Down the Mountain". In it she talks about how we must come down from the mountain, a high spiritual plateau, to deal with day to day life in all its struggle and needs. I love how she can bring the spiritual to our realities. Yesterday I had my own mountain of sorts. It wasn't quite what I had envisioned, but then reality seldom is.

My mountain was the desire to be strong and self reliant. God can help with a lot of life's challenges but you need to take care of your responsibilities too. In my efforts to see myself as strong I went beyond what was reasonable. Heck, I went beyond what was safe.

Living near the Hill Country there are lots of beautiful places you can go explore. You can enjoy the beauty of God in the untamed wilderness or on somewhat prepared and marked nature walks. There is such a walk on church property in the town of Wimberley. I had been up there before and wanted to go again. It felt so good up there in that beautiful place that I thought I would enjoy doing the 2 mile nature walk that is maintained by members of the church. So, on Saturday morning I got a bottle of water, put on my hat and walking shoes, and headed off to Wimberley. I thought I had planned carefully.

When I got to the church the time was no longer early morning and the temperature was headed into the 90's. There were breezes blowing though, I had my water, and there were lots of trees for shade so I thought I would be ok. I considered taking my cell phone but then didn't because if I had wanted to call for help I had no one in Wimberley that I knew to call and the town is far enough from my own that 911 wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. So I left it in the car.

The trail starts with a map that shows a couple of short cuts which will bring you quickly back to the beginning. So I thought I would just do the first small loop. It was less than half a mile. What I hadn't known was that along the trail there were Stations of the Cross markers. Those quickly hooked me in and I decided to do the stations. That meant walking the entire 2 mile trail. There were benches frequently along the way so I would be able to rest if needed. One of the neat things about this particular trail is that it is lit at night. You can walk it 24/7. Wow, doing Stations of the Cross by starlight!

I love Stations of the Cross. It is a truly moving and emotion filled ritual that always brings me closer to God. While walking these I found myself considering the need for self reliance and the possibility of being a single Christian. This isn't the type of life I imagine having. I would much prefer to find a lifemate and spend our lives together growing in faith and service to God. But it is a possibility. Enough of one to make me sad. I spent some time on that walk both communing with God about it and trying to come to terms with that possible fate. The stress of that had me in a rather emotional place when I got to the last of the stations. Realizing that you need to depend on God for something, instead of yourself, isn't conducive to feeling strong and self reliant. I didn't think that had anything to do with my nature walk. Maybe I was wrong.

Everything had been going fine until I got to the end of the stations. The beginning of them and the end tend to overlap at that point on the trail. The arrows on the occasional sign didn't really help me decide which way to go and the numbers somehow got confusing at that point. I ended up walking in a couple of circles and also some back and forth along the trail as I would start in one direction and then decide that was the wrong way to go and head back the way I had just come. After doing this a little while I realized I was lost. That was scary.

It is amazing how easily I can get lost. I don't do north, south, east and west. I do right and left. I have gotten lost driving around in a two block area. That is so ridiculous. What on earth can you do in a two block area but figure eights? It makes me really mad at myself when I don't navigate correctly. So here is my self-reliance going down the drain. Sheesh.

I started praying on that trail. Visions of sitting on a bench till anyone came along wasn't making me feel at all safe. Who knew when someone would next decide to walk that trail? By now it was noon and the temperature, my distress, plus a bit of exhaustion had my heart pounding. I started trying to be smart. I looked for those shortcuts. I found them but they didn't seem to help. I would find myself on the same path again but at a different point.

Eventually I found a fence line which showed me a road. That wasn't quite right but it got me closer to the church. I could see the buildings off in the distance. I started looking for a certain sign that had shown me the way in...it had a different type of arrow. I never did find that one but I did find one of the lights that the church had set in. Suddenly I remembered that the lights at the beginning had been really huge and on poles. So I started looking for those. It was the lights that took me to the end of the trail. I was not immune to the thought that God was "being a light unto my path."

When I reached my car it was after noon and I was exhausted, sweating, my heart was pounding, and my foot was trying to cramp. I sat down in the door of my car and just breathed. There was a truck with a couple of church members parked in front of the buildings nearby. That turned out to be the church Sexton and a friend of his. They spotted me and came over. They noticed how tired I was looking and I guess my face was rather flushed. The man took charge (so much for self reliance). After getting the story from me, he had me sit in my car and turn on the a/c. He asked if I needed anything. I asked for ice water so he got in his truck and headed off to find me some. He returned soon with two large glasses full of it. That was so good. I drank one and poured the other one over my head splashing it on my face and arms. I realize now that I had been near heat exhaustion. When I had cooled down, wasn't feeling weak anymore, and had reassured this kind man that I was ok, I got in my car and headed home.

I did make it home safe and mostly sound. After getting some food in me I went straight to bed and slept. Later I emailed the only person I knew that attended that church to ask if he would let my Good Samaritan know that I was ok.

The process of coming to terms with that experience isn't quite over. Part of me wants to deny how real the danger was. Another part of me wants to thank God for helping me through it and keeping me safe. I still have some self reflection to do on the need to take care of the things I can affect and still leave room for God's guidance and intervention whether needed or if it just happens. Most importantly to my self esteem I need to not see myself as helpless or incapable of handling life's challenges. More importantly to my faith I need to find that focus where I listen to that still small voice which tells me when something isn't the best choice.

So there is my mountain, my own self-esteem and God's will. It is amazing how much God's good care will allow us to recover from disastrous situations and still feel like intelligent, capable human beings. The few friends I have told showed concern but not condemnation. That would have been something I might have expected from my father. So in this I am doubly blessed by God's love and the love of caring and clear sighted friends. And Thank God for the occasional Good Samaritan. May I always run into one of those when I need them and hopefully someday I will have the chance to pass that favor forward.