Technology upgrades and dreams of glory

When I was young I used to declare boldly, "I believe in the future of technology." At the time I was saying this I was more into Science Fiction than actual technology. I'm not sure I had ever seen a real computer although my father's company claimed they used one. Still it sounded cool at the time. Now that I am a good bit older and have spent many years in the working world of computers I still can say boldly, "I believe in the future of technology." I can also say, "I believe in our technological future." While the difference between those two statements is not as clear cut as I wish there is still a significant difference between what is obviously the computer version of the industrial revolution and what humanity decides to do with it.

Sometime during the night my keyboard died. It had been part of one of those nice cordless mouse keyboard combos by Logitech that were rather exciting a few years ago. Now they are old hat. I had lost the cordless mouse earlier this summer due to water leaking through my ceiling. That was an a/c horror of apartment living experience that is best told on days when you are totally bored. When that happened I pulled out the spare mouse, a corded optical one, that I'd gotten a while back just in case. That was a nice tiny upgrade. The optical part meant I no longer had to clean the mouse. I could just merrily run it over any flat surface and it would work. I didn't find the cord upsetting although my cat, Hyram, objected to his not being able to shove it to the far side of my desk when he decided to usurp its considerable surface by turning it into his lounging place. For those interested, Hyram is a male flamepoint ragdoll who weighs almost 20 pounds.

My keyboard died at just the wrong time. I had classroom assignments consisting of 2 journal/reflections on teaching and a lesson plan to write. First it was limping badly. The keys, when struck, would do nothing, or something, or way too much of something. I stumbled through the journals cutting them in size by half and went to class feeling unprepared. When I got back I decided to take the keyboard apart and try cleaning it. It didn't appreciate my efforts and bit the dust entirely. Realizing it was time to buy a new keyboard and I thought I'd go online to find a good price inconveniently forgetting that I needed the keyboard to type web addresses into the browser. Out came the seldom used on screen keyboard which let me type in a hunt and peck fashion using my mouse. I located the nearest BestBuy and headed off to shop.

What I found at the store was that there were two major manufacturers who put out most of the mouse keyboard combos and these were quickly going the way of the cell phone. I haven't got a Bluetooth yet and didn't think I wanted one on my keyboard. So I gladly and frugally avoided the $179+ offerings which included more extra buttons than I would have been able to keep track of. Even avoiding most of the fluff I still had to upgrade. I didn't like the feel of the Microsoft mouse scroll wheel which was smooth. Logitech's clicks. I didn't need a gaming keyboard because I don't do first person shooters. I wasn't adding this to a laptop so I didn't need extra security. Eventually I settled on a Logitech LX710 Desktop. I'd like to say that it was the cool design of the mouse and keyboard which sold me on them but what really clenched the deal was the length of time the batteries would last and the 5 year guarantee. Yeah, I know...practical and boring. Still it is really frustrating to replace a mouse because a button dies and I've done that way too many times. So boring and guaranteed is preferable to flashy gizmos that stop working with frequent use.

Now I'm home and the new hardware is installed. All is safe again and I am working at my usual speed. But the trip to BestBuy gave me food for dreams. I saw a really nice Gateway that had an AMD chip and almost 3 gigs of memory. It looked so cool and was only $1100 on sale. And then there was the Sony Vaio to match or beat Susan's baby. I can't afford it now but maybe in a year... Oh well, I have tons of time to dream. I do like technology and when I get my first teaching job I am going to reward myself by getting that longed for laptop with a really good screen, lightning speed and I might even get the fingerprint security to protect it. I even know somebody who will help me set up the wireless network in my house. Wifi here I come.

My cup runneth over

If you didn't read the previous post this one might not make much sense. That post is the tribute I wrote in honor of my best friend who passed away last Sunday.

Outpourings of prayers and expressions of sympathy have filled my days for the past few. They truly help. One that surprised me was a sympathy card from a teacher I work with. Apparently she is on my prayer group list which was the only place I had mentioned it at work. I hadn't known. I felt really blessed by that surprise. People care. I've had others express sympathy even though they don't know me well and didn't know my friend. It is a blessing.

The process of mourning is new to me. That might sound strange coming from someone who has lost both sets of grandparents, an aunt, an uncle and a marriage. With the relatives I have a long history and can easily visualize them as having gone on an extended visit to heaven. I will see them when I get there. They are so set in my heart that they aren't really gone. The marriage was, I think, the pain of rejection and fear. This loss is different. This is the knowing that I can't reach out to someone easily. It feels somehow different although the symptoms are the same.

The question, "How are you doing?" has taken on a different connotation. A few times when people have reminded me by asking I've come close to tears. That probably made them uncomfortable. I wish it didn't. I am grateful for the times I cry. When I am at work I am busy focusing on someone besides myself. When I am at home and alone, I am scared to think about it too much. Crying about things that hurt is a way of starting the healing process. If you find yourself needing to express sympathy to a friend please don't be afraid to talk about their loss to them. It might be helping them. If they don't want to discuss it they can say so.

When I wrote my second post on this list I talked about my receiving the Holy Spirit. During that experience I learned the meaning of the scriptural phrase from Psalm 23, "...my cup runneth over." I am learning it again. God is putting reminders in my path that he is still active in my life even though I am mentally and emotionally absorbed with other things.

So to my friends and others who have expressed sympathy and extended comfort I want to say, "Thank you!" It is much appreciated and my cup runneth over because of your kindness.

Winning battles!

Yesterday I had one of those calls you don't want to get. It was the husband of my best friend deby telling me that she had passed away. For all that I knew she was almost certainly terminal this took me by surprise. She'd beaten cancer twice. It still hasn't finished sinking in. We met through an internet list/post and got in touch by phone. The first time she called we hit it off and talked for almost 2 hours. She called twice more before the day was over. In total we spent 4 hours on the phone that day. After that the calls were daily for over 2 1/2 years. It is hard to think that I will never hear her voice again.

When she was diagnosed with advanced stage breast cancer, soon after we met, she started on a long hard battle. She was one of those people who fight hard and use every tool in their arsenal to win. She did win! Twice! She was told two separate times that she was free from the disease. It came back the first time. Last time I heard she was still free of cancer when she passed away. What took her was the damage to her body the battle left behind. She had liver damage, heart damage, bone damage, diabetes, pancreatitis and brain damage too. Still she battled. Her motto was, "Do the next right thing!" How could she not?

Because the list we met through was a spiritual list and our faith was important to us, she and I soon discussed faith and found ourselves praying together. Turned out we were good prayer partners. She was the kind of prayer who would tell God what to do. I reminded him of needs and asked for them. Even though our styles of prayer varied when we started we could feel the syncing of our souls. When one's request faltered the other would pick up and then turn it back over a little later. Finding a prayer partner is hard enough. Finding one that can pray with you long distance is even harder. The experience was awesome.

Over the course of the 3 years I knew her I learned the names of her kids, family members, friends and old flames. We left almost no conversation stone unturned. We shared books and dreams. We talked about cooking. The last gift I sent her was a cookbook with recipes from the south called Bayou Cuisine. She loved it. The thank you call took over two hours as we explored our respective copies together. If I said her last gift to me was a subscription to Guideposts I'd be lying. Her last gift to me was her last phone call. Nothing could have let me know more how much she loved me.

She was always there to support me. When I was struggling and when I was scared she believed in me. When I needed to get my head on straight she was the one to ask the guiding questions that helped me do that. For my part, I learned how to listen well when she had things she desperately needed to talk about. I learned to hear beyond the words with her.

She had a doctorate in psychotherapy. She was clever and creative. She had a heart as big as the sky. She fought for children's better treatment. She fought for affordable health care for women. Children who have gone through abuse are better treated by the authorities today than they used to be thanks in part to her efforts. The world is a better place for having had her in it.

Towards the end of her battles with cancer she got angry with God. She knew this wasn't the way she was going to stay. She kept saying she would fight her way back from the anger too. And she did. She left a church that denied her basic rights to worship in a house of God and found another that honored her faith and taught her new ways to pray. She first walked the labyrinth (maze) on crutches. She was amazed at how much it did for her. She had always had a solitary bent and this answered to that. She was also a perfectionist. Finally she and God could commune with action and be precise about it.

This past summer was the worst. My going to school was keeping me so busy that we didn't have time to call. Before that we had shared the courses I was taking in education and answered the homework questions together. She was a good sounding board. Then I suddenly had time for calls. Summer school was over. But she wasn't calling. I wondered but knew that we had nothing bad going on between us so I figured she was taking a short hiatus and dealing with life. That had happened a few times in the past but we always got back in touch. So time passed and I didn't hear from her. I called and left messages. I emailed. Finally she got in touch through the list. She had been in and out of the hospital twice since we had talked. Part of the time she was in a coma. They don't let you call from ICU and her husband was too busy working and visiting her in the hospital to take time to call or email. So when she wrote again I was thrilled and also horrified. I called and the phone message didn't sound like her. I emailed and finally she called. We talked for about an hour. That was a little over a week ago. It was so good to hear her voice that I felt at peace. She sounded calm. She even pointed this out to me. I think she was telling me she was at peace and was ready to go. I also know that she was probably on heavy medication doses. She told me what happened and we covered some of the old topics about her family. Except for the really slow pace of the conversation it sounded almost normal. So I wrote her 3 days later. She didn't write back. Instead, her husband called.

I know she is in heaven now. I can feel her hands on my shoulders sometimes when I miss her the most. God's hands are there too. He put us together and he wants me to know that he has her and will keep her safe till it is my turn to go home. Because I have a few pictures of her I have an image of her standing strong and happy by her man. I also have one of them snuggling on a sofa. She's smiling in each of them. Those will have to sustain me till I see her face to face.

What I would like to know is something I never got the chance to ask; "deby dear, what are you going to do in heaven? In what ways are you reorganizing it? I know you far to well to think that you will leave it alone. Will you marshal the angels to take care of your family and friends? What saints are you going to encourage to greater works for the downtrodden and abused? And when are you going to place one of those dream calls to me? Never fear Honey, I know you are looking in on John and me and will work to keep us safe. Until I hear from you, and ever after, I will hold your smile in the center of my heart and persevere. I will continue to do the 'next right thing,' because that is what you taught me to do. I'll never forget you, deby. You're my hero."

Further thought...

After a day of thinking further about California suing the automobile industry I still don't have any conclusions. Wishful thoughts are probably more like it. This is going to sound as if I am having second thoughts....and I am. California's lawsuit is seen by many as a nuisance suit. It probably won't get anything accomplished except for filling the pockets of the lawyers...or so says a close friend. The fact that lots of other things in the world put out CO2 is true and that was also pointed out. I went and looked up the levels and what I found seems to say that Americans do put out more CO2 than other nations. Here is the article I found on the subject of Global Warming. What I don't know, and I doubt that anyone else does either, is if car emissions are a large enough part of the cause of global warming to be seriously considered as being "at fault". There are lots of contributing factors. Environmental Science is, I think, still a relatively new science and we are still learning how things work.

So! Can anything good come out of California's lawsuit? I don't know. Since I admit to being a bit of an optimist and a rather hopeful (naive) one at times, if anything good could come from it I would like to think it would. What I would like to see happen is for all of the US to stop using fossil fuels and find a renewable source of energy to run our cars, boats, lawnmowers, and all the rest on. But...being a responsible and caring person I worry about wishing that on us because if that happened what would all the people who work in the oil industry do for jobs? Still, it would be nice if we didn't need oil from other countries. From there this goes into Science Fiction land, which is more my friend Susan's bailiwick than mine. I wonder how a story like that would read...(g).

Progressive Environmentalism?

This morning's news alerted me to the fact that California has filed suit against the automobile industry in an attempt to force them to pay homage to their new global warming law. This got me thinking. I know this isn't the first time a major industry has been targeted for good reason. The anti-cigarette ad campaign and the lawsuit that went along with it comes to mind. I like breathing clean air and also love the natural beauty of our country. I also loath having to buy eye drops when I visit someplace else and find that pollution is higher than I am used to. So I really don't have a problem with the California movement towards a better environment. In fact, I applaud them. I would love to applaud other states for being as forward thinking. Since I am not as up on this subject as I would like to be I hope you will enlighten me. Are there other states that are doing similar things? If so, who and what?

On a totally unrelated note: Last night I watched Criminal Minds and when the show was in the last scene they played The Riddle by Five for Fighting. Click on that link and you can watch a video of them performing the song. I just bought the album Two Lights a few weeks ago. Hearing it on TV was way cool!

Reflections on Life of the Beloved

Please don't expect any great insights on today's subject. In school I am doing reflections on things that have to do with teaching. So it seems logical to reflect on what I am learning in church and Sunday school. That's all this is, a reflection with questions being more readily available than answers.

Today my Sunday school class continued to study Life of the Beloved by Henri J.M. Nouwen. The lesson covered the first chapter and part of the second in which the author talks about quieting those voices which say to work harder, accomplish something, make a difference and then you will be loved/lovable. Nouwen tells us that when we listen closely to that still small voice we will hear that we are the beloved and need not do anything extra to become that person to God and others.

That is so hard for so many of us to accept. When I started sharing with the class on my upbringing and how it said to work harder, show what you could do, be right or be a failure (no grey, only black and white views here), I saw many heads nodding. It seems I wasn't the only person to be brought up with messages that said I had to work hard to be worthy.

Earlier, during the sermon and lesson, the scripture was about giving up our lives to gain them. I found myself asking all kinds of questions about what this meant. I feel loved by God. He keeps giving me gifts and blessings which speak of his love of me. What I don't have is the feeling of having made any real sacrifice. In light of what Nouwen is saying, that is probably my parental voice saying, "Work harder. Be worthy. Make a difference. Sacrifice!" In reality my sacrifice is already made. I did give up my life. It doesn't seem terribly sacrificial to me when I think about it. But when I chose to follow Jesus' teachings and considered what God wanted me to be doing when making choices in my life that is exactly what I was doing. I sacrificed my self control for God's. Since giving up my choices to God, he has chosen to reward me with signs of his favor and love.

"That's too easy!" a guilty voice in my heart whispers. Why is it so hard to give up the idea of a heavy burden when making a sacrifice to God? Why can't we easily still those voices when listening to God call us the beloved? Someone in class said that being the beloved doesn't mean a life free from pain and struggle, and while everyone agreed with that we also agreed that it does mean a life filled with bright spots that give us moments of Peace, Hope and Joy.

It occurs to me that if we listened more to that still, small voice we would have lives filled with joy. Susan, of Rickety Contrivances, left a lovely comment on my last post about love in which she talks about how she knows love from other people and God. It took me two readings of her comment to realize that she did indeed say that God tells her she is loved. "Sorry, Susan!" In Sunday school one of the members spoke humorously about how she is her own worst enemy when it comes to seeing the love of God in the actions of others in her life. Another member of the class asked a question that indicated his processes were all logical on this subject. When I hear from God that I am loved it has little to do with logic. For me, love is a feeling, and I have spent way too little time analyzing feelings logically. Was it the logic in Susan's statement that made it hard for me to hear? Whatever, it is her ability to analyze feelings that makes her such a good writer. Perhaps it is time for me to start doing that. Would that make me a better listener?

So, as stated in the beginning of this post, no conclusions. Just more questions. But this subject is an ongoing study and will probably be revisited. Peace!

Bright bits

Even though I am still fighting that darn cold, spots of joy keep coming.

• Today I get to do the Daily Office at my church a.k.a. Morning Prayer.
  
• A friend of mine has started her own blog and put a link to mine on it.
  
• Even better, she called me a "good" friend in it. (G)
  
• My friend, Susan, has asked to use one of my posts in her Carnival of Hope.
  
• A teacher who works with one of my students liked an idea I had for helping the student and we are in the process of implementing it.
  
• I'm still getting warm fuzzies from the expression of love my cousin sent in his email.
  

Ok...that is more than the 5 blessings the book Simple Abundance suggested. The blessings journal, which Susan also suggested, falls in line with that thinking. And I have now finished another post for my blog which I always find a pleasure in and of itself.

Peace, Hope, and Joy!

Things in 3s & the importance of Love

Do messages come in 3s? I've heard that all my life. There's a book on my list of "to read(s)" because it came to my attention 3 times in one day. The book is The Road Less Traveled. I was redoing my bookshelves and it caught my attention as something I wanted to finish reading. Then my preacher mentioned it in his sermon the next morning. Later that same Sunday the Sunday school teacher also mentioned it. So I put it where I would be reminded to read it because it seemed that it might be important to do so. I kind of figured maybe God was trying to get my attention with it.

Lately, I think I have another set of 3s. My favorite cousin has been writing me and one of the things he made sure I knew was that he loved me for who and what I am and didn't think I needed any improvement or changes to be made better. Have I mentioned that I love this cousin unreservedly? He is always good to and for me even when we don't see or hear from each other for a while. Another part of this 3-some is having finished the book The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. It tells me that I can love myself by getting rid of nasty "agreements" to believe what my "domesticators" told me when I was growing up. It says that I am lovable, unique and beautiful just as I am and don't need to punish myself for not being something I am not. Come to think of it, my spiritual director says the same thing. (g) The third part of this 3-some is the new book I am starting to read, from a Sunday school class, called Life of the Beloved by Henri J. M. Nouwen. It tells me God loves me just as he loved Jesus and I can think of myself as "the beloved" just as God declared Christ to be beloved when John baptized him.

When I see this kind of thing happening in my life I think God must be trying to tell me something. In this case the message seems fairly obvious. I am also wondering what this will lead to. Is it just to make a better and happier me, or do I need to love myself so that I might love others better? Probably both. Seldom have I seen God do something that didn't have multiple implications or affects. Sometimes I get kind of tunnel visioned so, if you think you see something else here for me to think about please feel free to contribute it.

In the meantime there are a lot of questions surrounding this. Is it important to love yourself? How do you know you are loved? What does it feel like? Where do you hear those messages that say you are loved? Those are questions that were raised in Sunday school. I am still working on an answer to some of them. And of course, I still need to finish reading the book.

For me being loved is kind of like sudden peace. I am relieved and don't have to worry about impressing anyone or doing something to earn it. Suddenly I can breath. It is kind of ridiculous to believe that you can earn love, or so I am told. Love is supposed to be a gift. But I was raised to be grateful for gifts and to give one back. Does an obligation negate the love? Is the obligation real or just a social nicety that can be ignored if necessary? Have I ever been able to earn love? Not that I can recall. What I recall from my efforts was imperfections that destroyed any good feelings I might have gained from them. That makes me ask, what is it about love that makes us want to do something to earn it? Why do we feel unlovable? The messages that say I am loved come from God, friends and family. Yes I think it is important to love yourself. If you don't how can you know that you are beautiful to anyone including yourself and how can you love anyone else if you don't know what it feels like? I once heard a definition of how love works. Not what it is but how it works. It said that love works like this: I want loving feelings from you so I am going to change my behavior and do the things that get you to do the things that make me feel loved. I'm not sure that has any part in a philosophical discussion on love. YMMV

Obviously I'm not going to come up with any great insights here. At the moment there are more questions than answers. Do I believe that I am loved? Yes, I do. I believe because I heard God tell me when I believed. Other people tell me they love me too. Do I feel lovable? That's harder to say yes to. I wasn't raised on unconditional love even though my faith tells me it exists and it is central to my belief system. So once again I ask, how do you know you are loved? And maybe more importantly, how can you know you are lovable? And please forgive me if I seem to have been repititious here. Things just keep circling back to how we define love and how we see ourselves.

Peace!

Update on the cold cure thing

This morning I followed my friend Susan's suggestion and Googled the Echinacea Ginger Syrup. The only place I could get it was from the manufacturer. The syrup doesn't cost that much. For 4 oz. it was $11.21 USD which was cheaper than I paid for it at SunHarvest last time I could find any. Their shipping at first looked horrible until I found the US Priority Mail. That was under $7 so I will get well when the syrup arrives. The manufacturer is Nutrition World which is based in Florida. I didn't like their website much. No descriptions of the product. No offers of catalogs. The McAfee site rating gave it a red banner due to links to places which have spy wear. Nevertheless, they just sent me an order confirmation email. Checkout was encrypted once I reached the point of paying. It wasn't when I entered shipping info. So I hope this turns out ok. If you like their stuff maybe you can find it in a store. If you have had good experiences ordering from them please let me know. I could use some reassurance on this one.

Last night I went to bed about 7 pm and stayed there till I had to get up this morning shortly after 5 am. Hopefully that really long sleep will do a lot towards my energy level. In the meantime I am running behind in my reading for my classes because of this cold. So if I am in any of your prayers please add that to the litany about me. Thanks.

Peace, Hope, and Joy!

Cheerful bits

Yesterday I got a call from the Assistant Principal at an elementary school nearby. This is the school I was doing my "field experiences" in last spring. They have cleared me to do them again this semester. Yay! I am good to go!

The friend who I thought was leaving left an instant message apologizing. I am not so sure about the nicety of that particular mode but I will take one in any form as long as it is sincere. My question of whether he wanted to discuss anything was ignored in favor of giving me a suggestion on how to cure the cold I got from some students. His suggestion, "Fast for a couple of days." Does anyone have any ideas on how this would be helpful? Usually I take tons of OJ, zinc and echinacea. I would gladly do anything that has some hope of helping. I used to be able to purchase something called, Ginger Echinacea Syrup at SunHarvest. That really did work. It kicked a cold's duration from 10 days down to 3. Sadly they no longer carry it. If anyone knows where I can get some more of this pricey syrup Please let me know...I will order some.

When I find my schedule for church services that I am assigned to I will rejoice. I am once again serving communion some Sunday this month. I really like doing that. I also get one morning prayer service to officiate at. That is a really great way to start your day.

I heard from my closest cousin last night. He is doing ok. He worries about me. Now that is a good cousin. I've always liked this one. We are only a year apart in age. Jim would do just about anything he could to help make things better for me. I would do the same for him. My father has this strange attitude that relatives are to be avoided. With a cousin as good as this one why on earth would I want to do that? Family is important. To some extent I understand my father's difference here. He is a build yourself with hard work kind of guy. Don't take help. Don't give it because it won't be appreciated. I am different. I like to know where I came from. My family is part of my heritage, along with my life experiences. Being a future teacher, culture and my students' heritages are going to be important to me and hopefully to them. If they don't appreciate them maybe I can help them to do so. Hopefully that will give them stronger self identities and help them stand tall and proud.

And now...off to work.
Peace

...and sometimes things don't go so well.

I think I am losing a friend. This started on Monday on the way to work and hasn't cleared up yet. All Monday we weren't speaking to each other. On Tuesday we only said, "Hi." Yesterday we were formal with one another. It may get better but, right now I don't know. The reason for the disagreement was rather idiotic. He was giving me a hard time which was probably meant to be teasing. I didn't catch that it was funny and responded seriously. He got offended and put a limit on our friendship, "I won't be asking for any more rides. I don't need this." It hurt and I apologized but he didn't accept it. It really put a damper on the whole day.

I put a limit on this friendship myself a few weeks ago. When we had gone out to dinner one evening I found my faith being dissed. It was so offensive that I told him we would no longer be discussing faith of any sort. A while back that would have been a hard thing for me to do. Having always been the unacceptable one in my family, I work extra hard at accepting others. Maybe it is time to stop that. There are things that aren't or shouldn't be acceptable. Somehow that makes this whole situation even more frustrating because this is the one friend who said I should toughen up and be more daring, stronger, more impulsive. His philosophy, given to support that initiative, was that once you realize that you are NEVER safe you then realize the futility of all planning for the future and are strong in the present. I probably missed his point in all of that. Even if I did, I don't know that it really fits in with my life. Yes I need to be stronger. There are a lot of ways I can love me better. But what is this about always being unsafe? If I believed there was no God then I might actually believe that nothing could keep me safe. But I do believe in God. I also know that, even though I believe and hope that God will keep me safe, I am still supposed to do the things necessary to be prepared for what ever comes along. Or as much as I can.

It really stinks that this is happening between me and this person. He has been a good friend up until this point. He encouraged me. He was honest in his opinion when I needed to hear the truth. That takes guts...or maybe callousness, I'm not sure. I do know that I have given him too much credit. He doesn't have any better social skills than I have nor is his insight into people any better. So maybe this is going to be a parting of the ways. It isn't something that I want. I would prefer to keep him as a friend because I have enjoyed his company and don't have that many friends I can just do stuff with. But, if living a life where I am respected among my friends is important to me (It is!) then, I guess it is time to stop putting up with others being disrespectful or cruel simply because I prefer not to fight. So, since we spoke nothing to one another again today, I am going to figure that the friendship is over. And let me be clear...this has only been a friendship, nothing more. It still hurts.

The thing that gives me hope in this, instead of despair, is that I see it as a part of recovery. When I lost my marriage, friends, job and family support all at once I was really devastated. It has taken me 7 years to recover from that. Now, post Cursillo, I am being shown a view of me that is strong and beautiful. I love that view. I really want to preserve it. And I know I can't if I tolerate or listen to others telling me I am awful or worthless. Part of the strength of this new view is that it is a me that I don't want to give up. Like so many women of my generation I gave up way too much of myself trying to be a "good" wife. It was really stupid since it was my strengths that attracted my ex to me in the first place. So now that I am deciding to not give way and am standing strong among friends who value me and tell me that, it speaks of a different view of myself as a person. That gives me hope for a better future. I would love to find someone who values me as much as I am coming to value myself. Maybe, if it happens, I will be able to hold onto that love and watch it grow into a really strong bond that will last the rest of my life. Even if it doesn't I know that by holding onto me I am holding onto my future instead of giving it away. If I should find love again and lose it I won't be as devastated as I was the last time. And I thank God for that.

Peace, Hope, and Joy guys!

Successes, stress relief and Pollyannas

This post probably won't have any real organized form. It is more of an "I haven't posted in a few and have some bright spots to share" kind of thing. So please forgive the collection of odds and ends. Sometimes life is just like that...a jumble of different things. (g)

College classes started for me yesterday. While I love to learn, yesterday somewhat stressful. The stress comes from my working full time and the classes require me to take some time off from my job to meet those needs. I hope my principal will support me in this as she did last year but things have changed at my school and so it still needs her approval. Knowing she has a school to run which will of course be her first priority, I also know that she won't be ignorant of the effect her decision will have on my furthering my career in education. Hopefully we will be able to work things out to where this won't cause any hardships for either of us or those it might also affect.

My weeks now are busy. My "duckling" is doing well in her classes. This is the student I follow from class to class providing any needed support. She was in a much more restrictive classroom last year and is really proud of being in regular education classes this year. It shows in her efforts and decisions. Earlier this week she asked to skip her much loved choir class to get help on her homework. She is showing maturity in other ways too. I am really proud of her and have hopes of her being successful this year in spite of the challenges. I also expect she will be successful in high school when she moves on.

My friend, Susan, has started a blogcarnival this week entitled carnival of hope. I like the idea. It is important when dealing with a stress filled world to keep our eyes on a bright spot lest we lose hope. When I was a child the Disney movie, Pollyanna came out and I liked the idea so much that my mother chose that as the name for being optomistic and hopeful. So I became a Pollyanna in my efforts to see joy in the world.

Speaking of stress, one of the activities in my Saturday classes was to list ways we dealt with stress. Lots of people did shopping. Some admitted to eating. Others claimed cleaning, having a couple of glasses of wine, or reading a book. The teacher admitted to gardening and holding conversations with the air while she did. I too am a fan of air conversations. It is a really good way to vent without hurting anyone's feelings. Some people call it empty chair therapy. Whatever you call it, it works. Other ways of dealing with stress that were mentioned were playing computer games, hanging out with friends, reading a good book, or going on a small trip. Vacations aren't always practical for me. Lots of time I just don't have the resources to go on one or the time. So I use fiction to escape. I've done this since I was a teenager. One really awful summer I read 120 books just to escape the anguish of growing up. My sister meditates or runs. If you have a way of handling stress I hope you will post it here.

Birthday parties and being in the right place

When I was a child, being taken to a birthday party was scary. That sounds ridiculous! Birthday parties are fun! Yet there I would be, present in hand, getting dropped off and encouraged by my mom to go knock on the door of an unfamiliar house (this was probably 1st or 2nd grade). My knees always trembled when going to that door alone. "What if it's the wrong door? What if Mom's made a mistake and it's the wrong house or the wrong day?" If that happened I would have been so embarrassed. I would've been "wrong!" It was very stressful.

Eventually, I got over it and learned to knock on doors without fear, until my marriage broke up and the fear came back. Getting left does not make for great self-confidence. You feel "wrong" all over again. I've always wondered why I have that particular fear. For many years I couldn't think of a reason. Then on Sunday I felt that feeling again and suddenly remembered a childhood experience from when I was even younger.

One night back when I was 2, my parents went out with friends and left me, and their friends' kids, with a sitter. When our parents came back I ran to my father, threw my arms about his knees, and called him Daddy. It wasn't Daddy! It was someone else's father. My memory tells me that I was very angry about this. What I suspect is, I was horribly embarrassed and everyone laughed at my discomfort while trying to reassure me that all was okay. It must have been really harmful to my child's self-esteem to go to the wrong parent. When you are that young your entire world revolves around those two people. And there I was, running to the wrong person.

Now that I've remembered this I think I can start to winnow that fear out of my system. I have some kind of reason for it. How long can a bad experience last? Quite a while it seems.

When I sat in church Sunday morning and tried to focus my thoughts, I found myself feeling like I was wrong all over again. It was really unsettling. I love God and I love going to church. Yet there I was wondering if I was "wrong" and didn't belong there. My best guess for the trigger for this time was a dream of rejection I had the night before. My reaction was to concentrate harder on the lesson and pray. The lesson was the one where Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood or we don't have life in us. So there I was pondering on the existence of flesh and blood in the Eucharist. When we got to the part where you take communion I was glad to receive it. It felt very important today. I also prayed, asking God for help with this fear. I asked for eyes that saw him clearly and didn't mistake someone else for him. It helped some, but I don't want to walk my faith always wondering if I am on the right path. And I never want to listen to someone who is not God directing my life in ways that seem good but may not be.

If this sounds like more talk about discernment, it is. I think I am coming to realize just how important discernment is, even about ourselves. And how difficult it can be. If I know one thing about myself it is that no one can mess me up as thoroughly as I can. My Spiritual Director says that is true of most of us. When our childhood experiences, or our adult ones, affect us so that we don't see clearly, we can find ourselves lost and wandering around trying to not go to the wrong place. Have I mentioned that I get lost easily? I have a poor sense of direction and prefer very clear, detailed maps for trips and life in general. That isn't always possible. So, now that I am concerned about staying on the course God sets for me, I will have to get better at recognizing his voice (as opposed to others including childhood fears) and reading the signs he sets on my path. Since Cursillo, God seems to be telling me things several times until I get the message, exhibit the needed change of heart, and move in the right direction. Trusting my gut wasn't something I learned to do as a child (poor self-esteem) so this lesson may take awhile. It takes 27 times to build a new habit, and even though I never learned to listen to that still small voice in the midst of activity...I am trying to!

Peace.

Walking Stick

The walking stick arrived yesterday. The picture of it is the last one I got from the artist before he mailed it to me. I think the artist did a good job with the woodburning images. You can clearly tell it is a "greenman" and the celtic letters look nice. The stick is just over 5 feet in height and will fit in my car for travel. Along with it came a set of papers describing the efforts that went into making the stick and also how to care for it. I am pleased with just about everything. If I had one thing that I would like different it would be a slightly thicker walking stick. This one is just fine though. It will work for walking and lots of other stuff.

Because he was so professional, I am going to put a link to his web page here. He goes to a lot of effort and provides a lot of services. If you like the idea of a custom walking stick please don't hesitate to check him out. He does good work.

Work environment or "The Education System"

Public schools have been open for about a week now. It was fun getting back and seeing everyone I hadn't seen all summer. I liked this more than I did as a kid. Everyone was shouting joyous hellos and giving hugs. (g)

The school I work at scored very high in the annual TAKS testing this past year. We went from missing acceptable by a fraction of a point to becoming a Recognized school. This was a first for our district so they held a reception for all the faculty and staff at my school. That too was a first. It made the news and the entire School Board was there to thank and congratulate us.

Now my days are spent following a "duckling" around. I am a special ed teaching assistant and my particular duckling has all regular ed classes this year. It is a wake-up call for my student. Learning to take notes and listen at the same time is hard. Part of the time in class I take notes too so that she doesn't miss out on anything. She will probably change classes soon because some of the classes she was put in are too far beyond what she studied last year. I am really worried about how that will affect her self-esteem. There is no way she won't see it as being treated differently and I really want her to be treated like a normal kid and allowed to grow. No matter how supportive special ed is it clips your wings.

I guess I am waking up. When I decided to become a teacher I thought I would be able to help students not feel different or less than good enough. Somehow the school system, our very structure, tends to cripple the efforts of our best teachers. Mostly I blame the accountability system. They put high stakes tests as the ruling criteria for determining a school's success. That is wrong. It puts all the pressure on the students at one point in time. What they should be doing is measuring the students progress and you can't document that with a once a year test. If school systems measured the overall progress of each student instead of their performance then education would become individualized and children wouldn't be held to unrealistic standards that don't apply to them at the point they are in their education. I think we should take away the grade level system and institute a progress system so that long term goals are worked towards and a student gets there when they are ready and have done all they are supposed to do without being labeled or limited. Here is a thought, let's have every member of the State Board of Education be required to volunteer for one week each semester in public school classrooms, making sure they work for the poor schools as much as for the rich ones, and let them learn about the environment their laws are affecting. Maybe then it would be easier to implement the laws in the classroom because they might actually be classroom oriented.

Voices in our heads and from our hearts

Disclaimer - I'm not a prayer warrior. Effective prayers and long hours on my knees aren't my forte. And I am not going to be sharing any great secrets or insight here. But if you've ever had God answer back you know the joy of hearing his voice. That joy makes me want to share, but I realize that not everyone is comfortable hearing about prayer and voices from God. So if that will upset you please don't read any further. I promise not to be offended if you help me to not offend you by going elsewhere. Ok...disclaimer finished.

Sometimes, hearing voices in our heads isn't a good thing. That being said, God speaks to those who listen. And he listens when we answer back.

When Martin spoke of that still small voice I knew just what he was talking about. Many faithful people do. It means we are listening. We listen with our hearts, not our ears. We are hoping to hear from God. Sometimes we do. And when we answer back, we speak with our hearts, minds, voices and sometimes our bodies. God listens to them all.

We are also supposed to listen with our minds. When God speaks to me I am supposed to use discernment to know that it really is God who is speaking and not my own emotions. Sometimes this isn't hard to do. His voice has a distinct feel and flavor. The message I hear is usually in-line with the things I know of God from scripture. Seldom has he spoken in a way that didn't have multiple consequences. His words and meaning spread out from the primary message like the rings one gets from a pebble dropped in a pool of still water. Sometimes, however, I want to hear his voice so much and want something so bad that I can create my own voice and that is when it is hard. When I want a good result based on what I want, and not on what God has in mind, then I can find myself hearing a voice and not knowing for sure if it is God. I know enough about scripture to make the message logical. When that happens, even my efforts at discernment fail. Hopefully yours are better.

Does God's voice sound the same every time you hear it? It doesn't to me. His voice takes many forms. So I guess it seems normal to me to speak back in more than one way.

When we talk to God we use many different voices. These voices come from our heads, our hearts, our guts (especially when they ache), our needs, our wants, and hopefully our joys. Scripture talks about tongues and also about a special language that only the indwelling spirit and God understand. But tongues mean voices as well as language and it is as natural to sing our prayers as to weep them or rant at the heavens. I've even had a friend tell me of visualizing your prayer and just sending the picture heavenward.

A few years back I sang my prayers. This was during the 80's when Praise songs were so popular. I think they still are but they have moved into a different genre. Those songs can be sung repetitiously and that is very conducive to meditating on the message they are giving which is usually very simple. It would be me in the car, on a trip, and singing songs of praise while I drove. After a while, I'd get so in touch with the spirit that the need for formal song would stop and I'd start singing whatever my heart felt like saying to God, and using what ever melody popped into my head. It was a kind of free form song and never had any real verses, although once God did give me a praise song. That was a form of exultation in the joy of life in the spirit.

Last Lenten season my church held a "come pray with us" series of classes which taught different forms of prayer. We had contemplative prayer, lectia divino (please forgive any misspellings), prayer of the senses, and guided imagery. All of it was wonderful and I learned a lot in each class. During that period they opened the labyrinth (maze for those who call it that) and we even did some Christian yoga one evening.

For me motion is akin to prayer and, because I love music, dance is often the form it takes. When the rhythm and flow of the melody invades my being, my body becomes a conduit for the expression of life. The beat is my heart beat and my breath. The flow of the melody is my motion; arms, feet, and body taking flight as I express what I feel in a very focused and yet totally free form.

So do I think I can dance? LOL Not really. I never got a lot of training so my form and style are definitely amateur. But when I start to move to music which excites me it doesn't matter. It is sheer exultation and self expression. It is thanking God for life. And I'm okay with that.

If you have a favorite form of prayer or an answer story I hope you will share it.

Peace, Hope, and Joy!

Social transitions or back-to-work

Tomorrow I go back to work for the school year. My life is going to suddenly be very busy. I love my job. Working with kids is great. Not easy but always fun, challenging, and often rewarding. Two weeks after work resumes I will also start taking 6 hours at college. This is towards teacher certification. When that happens I will have to prioritize between social opportunities and my responsibilities for the classes. Socializing is stress release for me. It is also part of my present self-stroking system. To culminate the changes that are happening for me socially, my "life group" is ending and will morph into a different group or a different night. So changes are happening right and left.

For many people, certainly for me, having others desire our company and sharing activities of mutual interest says we are OK. Someone commented to me yesterday that mankind is a social animal. He was so right! When I find myself without social activities I get depressed and lonely beyond belief. I also find myself doing a lot of self blame for things that mostly say, "if I don't have friends to go see it is because I am not worthy of them." This isn't true. I AM worthy of having as a friend. I share many of the traits that I value in my friends. I am intelligent, well educated, interesting, caring and have a good sense of humor. Socially I try to put my friends needs before my own when I can. I let my friends know when I appreciate them and why.

Still, it is with some trepidation that I am watching my world shift to meet the needs of job and schooling. I will still have church on Sundays, reunion group twice a month, and the life group can be different. I also have a few social connections that have nothing to do with church or faith and will probably start using them more. This is going to work out better than I am fearing. God has been so good at putting what I need in my life lately that surely he will continue to do so. Then again He may be letting me learn how to function well in solitude.

Solitude can be good or bad depending on your circumstances. When my marriage broke up it was horrible. When I am dealing with stuff, or have had too many people around (yes it happens sometimes) then it is vital. Making solitude a choice when we would rather be doing something else can be hard. If you are ok within your own skin then you can do that without a second thought. Doing it when you aren't is hard and sometimes impossible as you fight with your own self esteem. Phone companies know this. Why do you think they used the phrase "reach out and touch someone" in advertising to such good advantage? Well, I like reaching out but I don't want to feel that I just have to. So this year I am going to be working on something for myself. I am going to be seeking to improve my comfort within my own skin. I am going to seek to love solitude for the things it can give me.

Maybe this ties into that independance dance I did on Saturday. Maybe it is a chance to grow to appreciate myself more. Maybe that is the independance that someone commented about on my last post. Whatever happens with this I know that it will lead to self discovery. And since that is part of what I am doing with this blog I hope the results will provide food for thought and hopefully discussion.

Mountains where you least expect them...

My friend, Susan, posted a wonderful homily entitled "Coming Down the Mountain". In it she talks about how we must come down from the mountain, a high spiritual plateau, to deal with day to day life in all its struggle and needs. I love how she can bring the spiritual to our realities. Yesterday I had my own mountain of sorts. It wasn't quite what I had envisioned, but then reality seldom is.

My mountain was the desire to be strong and self reliant. God can help with a lot of life's challenges but you need to take care of your responsibilities too. In my efforts to see myself as strong I went beyond what was reasonable. Heck, I went beyond what was safe.

Living near the Hill Country there are lots of beautiful places you can go explore. You can enjoy the beauty of God in the untamed wilderness or on somewhat prepared and marked nature walks. There is such a walk on church property in the town of Wimberley. I had been up there before and wanted to go again. It felt so good up there in that beautiful place that I thought I would enjoy doing the 2 mile nature walk that is maintained by members of the church. So, on Saturday morning I got a bottle of water, put on my hat and walking shoes, and headed off to Wimberley. I thought I had planned carefully.

When I got to the church the time was no longer early morning and the temperature was headed into the 90's. There were breezes blowing though, I had my water, and there were lots of trees for shade so I thought I would be ok. I considered taking my cell phone but then didn't because if I had wanted to call for help I had no one in Wimberley that I knew to call and the town is far enough from my own that 911 wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. So I left it in the car.

The trail starts with a map that shows a couple of short cuts which will bring you quickly back to the beginning. So I thought I would just do the first small loop. It was less than half a mile. What I hadn't known was that along the trail there were Stations of the Cross markers. Those quickly hooked me in and I decided to do the stations. That meant walking the entire 2 mile trail. There were benches frequently along the way so I would be able to rest if needed. One of the neat things about this particular trail is that it is lit at night. You can walk it 24/7. Wow, doing Stations of the Cross by starlight!

I love Stations of the Cross. It is a truly moving and emotion filled ritual that always brings me closer to God. While walking these I found myself considering the need for self reliance and the possibility of being a single Christian. This isn't the type of life I imagine having. I would much prefer to find a lifemate and spend our lives together growing in faith and service to God. But it is a possibility. Enough of one to make me sad. I spent some time on that walk both communing with God about it and trying to come to terms with that possible fate. The stress of that had me in a rather emotional place when I got to the last of the stations. Realizing that you need to depend on God for something, instead of yourself, isn't conducive to feeling strong and self reliant. I didn't think that had anything to do with my nature walk. Maybe I was wrong.

Everything had been going fine until I got to the end of the stations. The beginning of them and the end tend to overlap at that point on the trail. The arrows on the occasional sign didn't really help me decide which way to go and the numbers somehow got confusing at that point. I ended up walking in a couple of circles and also some back and forth along the trail as I would start in one direction and then decide that was the wrong way to go and head back the way I had just come. After doing this a little while I realized I was lost. That was scary.

It is amazing how easily I can get lost. I don't do north, south, east and west. I do right and left. I have gotten lost driving around in a two block area. That is so ridiculous. What on earth can you do in a two block area but figure eights? It makes me really mad at myself when I don't navigate correctly. So here is my self-reliance going down the drain. Sheesh.

I started praying on that trail. Visions of sitting on a bench till anyone came along wasn't making me feel at all safe. Who knew when someone would next decide to walk that trail? By now it was noon and the temperature, my distress, plus a bit of exhaustion had my heart pounding. I started trying to be smart. I looked for those shortcuts. I found them but they didn't seem to help. I would find myself on the same path again but at a different point.

Eventually I found a fence line which showed me a road. That wasn't quite right but it got me closer to the church. I could see the buildings off in the distance. I started looking for a certain sign that had shown me the way in...it had a different type of arrow. I never did find that one but I did find one of the lights that the church had set in. Suddenly I remembered that the lights at the beginning had been really huge and on poles. So I started looking for those. It was the lights that took me to the end of the trail. I was not immune to the thought that God was "being a light unto my path."

When I reached my car it was after noon and I was exhausted, sweating, my heart was pounding, and my foot was trying to cramp. I sat down in the door of my car and just breathed. There was a truck with a couple of church members parked in front of the buildings nearby. That turned out to be the church Sexton and a friend of his. They spotted me and came over. They noticed how tired I was looking and I guess my face was rather flushed. The man took charge (so much for self reliance). After getting the story from me, he had me sit in my car and turn on the a/c. He asked if I needed anything. I asked for ice water so he got in his truck and headed off to find me some. He returned soon with two large glasses full of it. That was so good. I drank one and poured the other one over my head splashing it on my face and arms. I realize now that I had been near heat exhaustion. When I had cooled down, wasn't feeling weak anymore, and had reassured this kind man that I was ok, I got in my car and headed home.

I did make it home safe and mostly sound. After getting some food in me I went straight to bed and slept. Later I emailed the only person I knew that attended that church to ask if he would let my Good Samaritan know that I was ok.

The process of coming to terms with that experience isn't quite over. Part of me wants to deny how real the danger was. Another part of me wants to thank God for helping me through it and keeping me safe. I still have some self reflection to do on the need to take care of the things I can affect and still leave room for God's guidance and intervention whether needed or if it just happens. Most importantly to my self esteem I need to not see myself as helpless or incapable of handling life's challenges. More importantly to my faith I need to find that focus where I listen to that still small voice which tells me when something isn't the best choice.

So there is my mountain, my own self-esteem and God's will. It is amazing how much God's good care will allow us to recover from disastrous situations and still feel like intelligent, capable human beings. The few friends I have told showed concern but not condemnation. That would have been something I might have expected from my father. So in this I am doubly blessed by God's love and the love of caring and clear sighted friends. And Thank God for the occasional Good Samaritan. May I always run into one of those when I need them and hopefully someday I will have the chance to pass that favor forward.

Comics and Ritual

When I was married I was blessed with a husband who had a really good sense of humor. Among the things we liked to do was share the daily comics. We each had our favorites and managed to work out a way where we could swap pages and not hog them. Occasionally I would cut one out and post it on the fridge as a weekly reminder of humor or the commentary it so jokingly gave on life.

Recently my church showed a series of tapes called "Discovering Everyday Spirituality". These tapes were narrated by Thomas Moore and were very good at reminding me of the things I loved as a child, which spoke of how good my world was back then. The tapes each had a topic. These were story, place, activity, and ritual. In each of these everyday things we can find peace, character, and value for our lives today. How I start my mornings has ritual. It has meaning to me. Until I considered it in light of these videos I had forgotten where I got some of those rituals.

When I was a child my grandmother and I used to sit and read the funny papers (50's lingo for comics) together. It was one of our rituals. Time spent in an activity that we both loved and felt richer for doing together. This was the basis for my sharing comics with my husband. It is the basis for my starting my day with 3 of my favorites online. It has meaning for me beyond the simple act of reading something amusing.

Today I was reading one of my favorites, Rose is Rose, and suddenly thought of that spirituality series. The funny showed Rose going out to find the bag of garbage her husband had been dutifully taking to the trashcan sitting on the ground. As she picked it up and completed the job you saw Jimbo headed off into one of what was no doubt a favorite activity. It was one of mine as a child. He was chasing fireflies. You almost never see these lovely reminders of nature's wonder anymore. The text read, "Fireflies account for almost three percent of 'garbage moment' interruptions." (chuckle) Suddenly I was catapulted back to the time when as a child my parents and grandparents would be sitting in lawn chairs watching my sister and I chase fireflies around the neighbor's yard. There was my place, activity, ritual and story. What a lovely reminder of the spirituality you can find in everyday things.

I took the liberty of printing off that comic to post on a wall I am building of things I want to do and be mindful of. If you have favorite comic strips I hope you get as much joy and history out of them as I do mine.

Peace, Joy and Hope!

Symbols and self-definition

A few days ago I went on a trip with a friend to the Cibolo Nature Center. This is a beautiful place with a nice walking trail and lots of trees. My friend, who is a nature photographer by trade, brought along two very good cameras and let me have one to play with. It was a Canon. It had a lens on it which could go near macro, telephoto and wide angle. I was impressed. I wasn't so impressed with the results of my artistic efforts. Even with less than great photographic results I had a lot of fun.

Near the end of the trail we came across some sotol cactus which is native to the southwest. The stem of the blossoms makes a long thick staff which, when cut and dried, is incredibly light and very strong. Experienced hikers value it highly as a walking stick. I've wanted one for a long time. My naturalist friend gave me an old one he had. I grabbed hold of it and promptly got a hand full of splinters. Ouch! Restoration efforts on my part didn't improve it much.

Going online I found a place that made walking sticks from sotol and customized them with wood burnings and other decorations. What was promised was a walking stick that was a work of art which would be personally meaningful to the recipient. After discussing possible repair of the stick we decided that it was too far gone to be worth the effort. So I started the process of purchasing one.

This artist really gets into making the stick meaningful for you. Tell him your favorite symbols and he will put them on the stick. Picking out personal symbols was a great experience. In doing so I learned about myself and what I value.

We started with my name in Celtic letters. Those were beautiful and I have a little Scottish and English in my ancestral history. Another reason for the Celtic is, my church seems focused on those symbols of faith, renewal, and spirituality. Often they represent the connection between God and nature. Untamed, natural places have always drawn me.

Keeping with the God in nature theme I wanted something that embodied that in a very strong way. We settled on a greenman image. You can find that on lots of pagan pages but the Christian church uses it as an ancient symbol of renewal. To me it looks wild and powerful. My father and I used to sit on our porch and watch storms blow in. This was a special time for me. Feeling the electricity in the air and seeing the wind whip the trees I'd get excited. I still like to do storm watches. When it starts to rain I open the windows of my home to let in the cool, damp air that's being created as God washes the world. It makes everything around me feel new and good.

The artist had some Native American symbols on his page. From his "soul-catcher" sticks I chose a strand of beads. These will be seven in number and mostly green which symbolizes healing. I am asking for a few lavendar ones for spirituality.

Now I am waiting for my stick. Creation will take 6 days. He promises to send photographs along the way to show the progress. I am excited. If this turns out well I will post a link to his web page here and elsewhere.

So what did I get from that? Well, the reminder that nature inspires me and makes me feel alive was good. It is an area where I can enrich my life by trying to spend more time in it. Defining my values with symbols was part self-reflection part creation. When you define something you give it form and direction. Having done so for my stick I feel I have also done that for my life. Knowing what you value and think of as good gives you an image of yourself to love. Knowing that God loves me is good but; if I don't love myself, if I can't hold onto what he sees in me, I can't hold onto the belief in God's love for very long. The first hard knock would cause me to slide away from that knowledge. So I think that defining myself in good images will help me hold onto a loving image of myself. One I think fits in with what God sees in me. And if I can love myself as God does, unreservedly, then I will be able to stop focusing on myself and start focusing on others.