Saturday, April 21, 2007

Way too long!

A whole month has gone by and I've written absolutely nothing! Well, that's not entirely true. I've done 2 research papers and an interview write up. But I think that the real reason I've not been writing is because I've been dealing with life and its effects.

One of the things I'm worried about with my writing is something my friend, Susan, has mentioned. A month ago I got on antidepressants. I didn't want to but felt that the stresses in my life, mostly self generated, were causing me to lose the ability to handle life well. Antidepressants are known to inhibit creativity. So, I'm wondering if my ability to come up with ideas is being affected by the meds or am I just so busy that I've not found time to write? Whatever the reason, I wish I had a wealth of ideas to present. Right now I just don't.

The Pastoral Counselor I mentioned a few posts ago seems to be working out ok. It feels kind of strange talking to a man about the most important things in my life. Possibly this is due to the fact that the last counselor I had was a woman. Or maybe there's a different reason. Before when God put a person in my life to talk about spiritual things to it has always been a woman. Talking to a man has a different flavor. He's good at asking questions and sometimes he points out the good/happy things I've missed in the middle of all my stress. I still have concerns about subjects I might feel more comfortable talking to a woman about even though I haven't had a reason to discuss them with him yet. One nice thing is, I've finally have someone to talk with about the subject of my 3rd post, the Communion story. That in and of itself gave a great sense of relief. I don't think I'm done with that subject yet, but having finally gotten another set of ears to listen meant a lot to me.

In the counseling sessions I'm dealing with things like anger, the need to express it in order to release it, and being comfortable with solitude. To understand the anger/expression need I'm reading (or trying to) The Dance of Anger (TDoA). When I was a child I never learned how to handle anger well. It was always hidden in my family. When it was expressed it was closely contained. The message was, "Anger is a "bad thing" and expressing it means you're out of control." The healthy reality, according to TDoA, is that we all have anger, we all need to express it, and we all need to be ok with feeling that way from time to time. To handle the solitude, I'm trying to find things I don't mind doing alone. At home that's easy. Doing it away from home is harder. This wasn't always the case with me so I am trying to recover the ability to be comfortable being out on my own. A large part of the discomfort, I believe, came from being married and used to having someone to come home to. Not having that anymore is something I managed to avoid thinking about for 8 years. Now I need to deal with it because I hope to have my first teaching job within a year and it's going to take a lot of self confidence and personal resources to handle that.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not a total wimp and I do have some idea what of my strengths are. I excel at giving explanations and my teaching skills are good. Learning excites me and I hope to pass that on to my students. I used to be afraid of making mistakes and no longer fear that, so I should be able to use that growth to find ways of making my students feel safe and not pressured to be perfectionists. It will be the time management, the multitasking, and the gathering of resources at a new job that I will struggle with. However, that is what student teaching is supposed to help me learn to do and I'm doing that this fall. So, while I'm nervous about doing the student teaching, I know I will manage to get that done and hopefully get a good grade in it.

So that's where I am and where I've been lately. Work for the year is almost done. School for this year ends May 25th. My college classes end in 2 weeks. I'll have a summer of no schooling and maybe no work. Thank goodness my employer spreads my salary over the summer. I gathered a couple of new books to read lately. I want to see the Harry Potter movie when it comes out in July. I would like to see Spiderman 3 when it opens in May. I can hardly wait for the last and final Harry Potter book to arrive. In other places, life goes on. Please keep me in your prayers. I've a lot to accomplish in the next few months.


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