Why Would You Want to Forget?

In response to David's Weekend Wandering, which asks the question, "Do you believe in forgive and forget?" I ask, "Why would you want to forget?" or even, "Should you forget?"

Reading other people's responses I found that many feel forgiveness is good, and I totally agree. It is good for you, good for your relationship, and good for the world in general. Forgiving fosters peace in everyone concerned. And peace is good.

Forgetting is a different matter. Lots of folk admitted they had a hard time forgetting. Well that's understandable. When we experience something we are supposed to learn from it, right? Remember this one? "Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!!"? You need to remember in order to process and that puts the event in permanent memory. It also helps you set the lesson learned into place thus modifying your behavior should the experience happen again. To me it seems practical to hold on to memories, even unpleasant ones. They just shouldn't take center stage after you've forgiven.

Suppose that I wanted someone to do something. I ask nicely and get a, "Ok, I'll get to it later." I patiently wait a week and ask politely again. I get the same response. I wait another week and ask a third time. This time I'm accused of nagging. Eek! Nagging can be done long term? Okay! Now I know this person's limits. Do I want to forget that? No way! Especially if I'm interested in maintaining a harmonious relationship. Knowing that also gives me a way to measure other relationships, which can come in handy.

Now, I suspect that the part about forgetting in this adage is meant to say that one should not hold grudges. Well I'm sorry but I think that not holding grudges comes from learning your lesson well and then, because you are now stronger, truly forgiving the other person. If you are holding grudges then you haven't forgiven, you aren't happy, and the relationship isn't truly back on track. My ex used to hold grudges. He held in his anger too until the situation took on a tone of doom to our marriage. And Lord help me if I had anything other than apologies to tender in response to his accusations. Do I want to forget that kind of behavior? No! I want to remember so that I can make sure the next person I choose to attach myself to emotionally doesn't do the same thing. Lesson learned.

Have I forgiven my ex? Well, pretty much. I know that it was his way and suspect it ran in his family. It's part of what caused him to leave and I'm better for that. It's partly because of that treatment that I became so determined to not be the passive, meek person I was in that marriage. I'm stronger now. Anything that makes you stronger can't be all bad. So yes, I want to forgive him. But, like the others who responded to this question, remembering does indeed make forgiveness hard. Maybe part of the forgiving comes when you experience the strength you've gained from it being effective. Then you know you're strong enough for it to no longer matter. And at that point you can probably set the experience aside and focus your life on other things.

Peace!