Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Fallow Fields or What Lies Beneath

The other day I was complaining to my PC that I hadn't done anything all summer. I was "unproductive." Nothing was getting accomplished! Thank goodness my PC has a much brighter view of my life than I do. After listing a few of the things I had mentioned accomplishing in past sessions he thoughtfully told me about a couple of images he saw in me. One of them was that of a seed which hadn't yet sprouted but had powerful things going on beneath the surface. The other image was that of a fallow field. He asked if I could have faith in that image.

At the time I didn't make the connection. Fallow fields are those lying unused for a season. "In what way are those productive?" I wondered. So when I saw him today I asked him to explain the image because I didn't feel I was getting it. He reminded me that when a field lies fallow it is being allowed to rest for the purpose of recovering it's strength and richness. The farmer will plow the field under, in the process turning all the roots and stems of the past year's crop under to decay and renew the nutrients the soil had expended in bringing that crop to fullness and bounty. Then the field will be allowed to rest for a year while this renewing takes place. When the fallow season has passed the field is once again healthy and ready to bring forth life from the seeds planted in it. It is rich soil and fertile.

His message was, that my unproductive summer was a time that I had used to rest and recover. I had found time to do some of the things I loved and done others I had wanted to but been putting off for various reasons. We started looking at what I had done over the summer and he was right. This past summer I've made progress in finding my personal inner strength. Even though I'm not where I want to be with some of the changes taking place in my life I can see the direction these trends are taking.

I've started rearranging my possession list to eliminate some things that bring up bad memories. Often those memories are from my marriage which I no longer want to remember. I'm finally severing that connection and the pain it brings from time to time.

I've found time to read quite a few books. Some of them were even helpful in recognizing what is going on with me. Reading has always been a source of renewal and escape for me. I've used it to find new places to send my mind since I was a teen struggling with the angst of growing up in a family that didn't appreciate me and was doing more criticizing than applauding.

I've spent time growing closer to a friend and fostering a few new relationships. One of those relationships is with myself.

I've made good progress in regaining a beloved skill that I had let slide, my guitar playing. And best of all for this one...I have plans for the furthering of it. When my series of 5 guitar lessons ends I will have Frederick Noad's Solo Guitar Playing to help me continue to grow in skill and technique.

I've found the time and motivation to get out and see things I wanted to and was able to do this without anyone else along. In doing so I found, for the first time in years, that I didn't need anyone else's company to enjoy the experience. That is a huge step forward for me. Over the course of my marriage and divorce I had gotten so used to having companionship and valuing things based on shared opinions and experiences that I'd almost forgotten how to enjoy something solo. I see being able to be solo and liking it as a strength for facing the future no matter what it brings. If I can enjoy life just for the sake of it and not for someone else then I can do whatever I want and go where ever I desire. I can make a life for myself and not hurt when it isn't shared by someone else. Yes, I still want to have someone in my life, but I think I begin to see a life that isn't crippled by not having anyone else in it but me. What does that say about me? It says I'm beginning to like me again. For a woman of my generation who was "left" that is an enormously wonderful feeling.

When I look back at this past summer, I can tell I've made good progress. And if I can keep that in mind when I find myself doing the "oh, I'm not doing what I should" thing and starting to beat myself up mentally, I'll be just fine and getting stronger by the season. Maybe that is what he meant by having faith in an image.


jsd said...

Thank you for sharing the image of a fallow field. And just think of all the possibilities open to that fallow field.

Lee said...

LOL You're welcome, JS. Thank you for seeing the avenues a fallow field can lead to. :)

Peace, Hope & Joy!